Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes
Site Search:

« Gym Less-Than-Dandy | Main | Like Any Old Tom, Dick or Hairy »

These Bucks Aren't Made for Strippin'

Last night, I gave a buddy a ride in my car. He gave me grief -- as people often do -- about the stash of one dollar bills that I keep in a little drawer on the dashboard console. It's my emergency cash, I always explain; when I get a single or three as change, I always dump them in the drawer. That way, if I ever need to pay for parking or a turnpike toll or some bully steals my lunch money, I'll be all set.

(I suppose if the bully stole my singles stash, too, then I'd really be in trouble. Luckily, bullies aren't typically that thorough. Too busy practicing Indian burns and taping buttcheeks together, probably.)

Of course, my explanation never satisfies anyone, and they invariably say the same thing:

'So, what're ya, going to strip clubs all the time?'

Now, I'm always up for a nice snide smartass comment, but this suggestion is just ludicrous on the face of it. Maybe if I explain why here, we can put this pair of pasties to bed right now.

Metaphorically. Of course.

"If I tried to swing around a pole on stage, I'd probably take out some teeth of the people sitting in the front row."

My main issue with the question is that if I were going to strip clubs all the time, then I wouldn't have so many one dollar bills in the car, now, would I? I'd be spending them all on three minute sessions of being shimmied on by girls named Alexis and Estonia and Bambi with a little cupid heart dotting the 'i'. That's what you do in strip clubs, and why you can never find a buck for the candy machine on Monday morning.

Or so I hear. Ahem.

But oho, people sometimes point out, perhaps you've just stocked up for a boobie bar run tonight. Then, you'd certainly have a few singles stashed away, right?

Theoretically, perhaps. But the dollars wouldn't be in the car; they'd be in my pockets. Unless there's some sort of drive-through strip club out there somewhere that I haven't heard about. Which doesn't sound like much of a picnic, if you ask me. Who wants a lap dance through a windshield, anyway? And lord only knows what they'd be doing with the wipers. What's going to happen the next time it's raining, and all the wiper blades do is smear body glitter and baby oil all over the glass? You'd probably crash into a mailbox, that's what. It'd happen, too. I've seen those stripper girls -- they don't squeegee.

Maybe I've got this all wrong. Maybe people are suggesting that I'm hitting the strip joints to dance, not to watch. That'd explain the wad of cash. But again, it's a ridiculous thought. For one thing, I don't even own a zebra-print thong or a schoolgirl uniform or a lunch lady outfit or any of the other red-hot sexy costumes the strippers wear. For another, I'm not all that coordinated. If I tried to swing around a pole on stage, I'd probably take out some teeth of the people sitting in the front row. If we're all lucky, it'd just be with my feet.

And anyway, if I were out strutting my stuff as an exotic dancer, there's no way in hell I'd come home with a fistful of dollar bills to stuff in the car.

Clearly, they'd be twenties. And sprinkled with perfume, and the phone numbers of girls named Alexis and Estonia and Bambi with a lipsticked winky face dotting the 'i'. Clearly.

So no, I'm most assuredly not saving up dollar bills to hit the strip bars, or collecting them at the end of my pole shift, or anything remotely of the sort. At the very worst, I might occasionally take one in the house, crease it down the middle and slip it into the back of my wife's jeans while she's turned the other way.

But that's strictly for practice. And also sometimes to thank her for dinner. The lady makes a mean tuna casserole. A little show of appreciation is the least I can do, right?

Permalink | Comments (0)


Post a comment

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Science:
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Me on Baseball:
  Bugs & Cranks

Me on Apartments:
  Author Page

Three Wee Tweets:
Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers (70)
A Doofus Is Me (203)
Articles 'n' Zines (74)
Audience Participation (35)
Awkward Conversations (176)
Bits About Blogging (168)
Bitter Old Man Rants (50)
Blasts from My Past (78)
Cars 'n' Drivers (60)
Dog Drivel (78)
Eek!Cards (267)
Foodstuff Fluff (116)
Fun with Words! (71)
Googlicious! (27)
Grooming Gaffes (88)
Just Life (238)
Loopy Lists (33)
Making Fun of Jerks (59)
Marketing Weenies (66)
Married and a Moron (185)
Miscellaneous Nonsense (62)
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig (84)
Sleep, and Lack Thereof (34)
TV & Movies & Games, O My! (101)
Tales from the Stage (74)
Tasty Beverages (29)
The Happy Homeowner (81)
Vacations 'n' Holidays (134)
Weird for the Sake of Weird (71)
Whither the Weather (40)
Wicked Pissah Bahstan (49)
Wide World o' Sports (124)
Work, Work, Work (206)

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass



Blogging Fusion Blog Directory


Listed on BlogShares

Top Blogs


Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved