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Zolton's Facebook Pranks on Sportswear Companies

I originally wrote this piece for, for use on the late, great comedy site Text and images published here with permission.

You need a lot of things to stay in shape in the modern age. Willpower. Determination. A crippling-expensive gym membership. Shoes endorsed by the right star athlete. An ex-Marine personal trainer who'd just as soon spit on your corpse as let you off easy on one modified vertical ab crunch.

But most of all -- from what I gather from hours of TV commercials -- you need the right gear. If you're wearing the wrong socks or tee or athletic truss, then you'll never get in shape. You'll be doomed to a life of slovenly couch-sitting, staring at the boob tube and munching Funyuns as your poorly-clad ass spreads to fill the available space. You might even wind up writing articles on the internet -- and nobody wants that.

(For the record, I'm a Fritos man. So there's some hope.)

Clearly, the right exercise outfit is just what I need to sculpt python arms, buns of steel, a rock-hard core and whatever vaguely phallic analogy the kids use these days to describe muscular legs.

("Baloney thighs"? "One-eyed garden glutes"? "Calves like a baby's arm"? It's so hard to keep up.)

But which athletic togs are right for me? To find out, I super-poked some of the top sporting gear firms on the web. Read on for more -- and my actual posts on the companies' Facebook walls.

Just be sure to warm up first. You wouldn't want to pull a muscle out there. Not in that truss, junior.


The post:


The post


The post:


The post:

Last week, Zolton lathered his fabulous locks with Clairol, Garnier, Head and Shoulders and L'Oreal. Want to join in the prank? Click the links to see each real-life Facebook post, and comment or 'Like' them to generate more buzz. Or visit Zolton's own Facebook page!

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