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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA
« "Friday's Child" Can Suck My Sweaty Ass | Main | Hey, That's a Printer Port, Not a Finger Hole! »
I'm in an even more scattered mood than usual, folks. Maybe it's too much caffeine; who knows. Anyway, I've got a few mostly unrelated things on my mind, and here they are:
In the Olympics, is it really necessary to interview the runners and swimmers fourteen seconds after their races? Honestly, dammit -- we're seeing the races eight hours late, or some shit like that. Let the poor athletes catch their breath, or grab a towel, maybe, before you start asking them asinine questions like:
'I heard the future is coming. Is the future here now?'
or:
'Hey, nice race. Will you be back in four years?'
These people are standing there, doing their best to be polite while sucking wind through every hole in their head, and you hit them with that kind of tripe? Please. At least let them get their composure, so they can kick your ass for asking stupid questions. Now that ought to be an Olympic event.
'permanent magnet'
'seed layer'
'nipple twisters'
Dude. I don't know what the hell you're planning, but count me in. This sounds like something out of a Wile E. Coyote cartoon. Just don't be testing those magnetic nipple-twister seeds on me, all right? I'm on your side.
Oh, you wacky readers, you.
Honestly, I've got to get a little more credit than that. I mean, besides the fact that I do my best to be a good husband, and fully apart from the fact that I don't even notice women other than my wife any more (okay, all together now, either say, 'Awwwwww!' or 'Yeah, right'; whichever suits you better), there's also the creativity factor to consider.
See, if I were gonna hoot and whistle after women, I wouldn't say something as obvious and passe as 'Me likey!' Come on, people. That really is just begging for a crotch kick.
No, I'd go for something far more subtle. Kinky. Confusing, if possible. Like maybe:
'Hey... I'd like to see what she had for breakfast!'
Or how about:
'Oh, baby. I bet she knows how to get her Chung all up in her Wang. Mamma!'
Maybe you'd prefer:
'Oh, yeah. Now that's a girl whose bologna has a first name.'
No? Just damned silly? Eh. What do you expect? I told you I was distracted. Try back tomorrow -- maybe I'll be focused by then. Hey, anything's possible, right?
That last one would work better if a girl were using it on a guy, doncha think? Anyway, "me likey" that last one!
I'm sorry, but I think if someone were looking (and found me, no less!!) using the search terms you listed, I would be checking into some sort of clinic. That is, of course providing they'd let me check in with my years supply of nipple twisters.
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Now, are you sure it is "likey" and not "likie?" I need to know.