Where the Hell Was I?: Lists

Charlie's Big List of Lists

Eat Your Heart Out, Letterman!

Inspired by -- and sometimes submitted to -- McSweeney's, Charlie's Big List of Lists is... well, just that. A big list. Of lists. That I made. I'm Charlie.

(Man, sometimes this copy just writes itself! Genius!)

Anyway, the Lists section over at McSweeney's has always made me giggle, so I thought I'd give it a try. Unfortunately, they don't accept any content that's been posted elsewhere, so I can't let you in on anything I'm submitting there until they've published it, or (more likely) turned up their editorial noses at the foulness and deposited my list in the shitcan with a large pair of salad tongs.

(And since I'll simply link to anything I eventually ~~pay~~ convince them to publish, all you'll ever see here are the lists that they've rejected. Or that I knew already were likely not print-worthy. How lucky are you?)

At any rate, writing these lists is an interesting diversion and a nice, short writing exercise. They're the literary equivalent of twelve-ounce curls. And they'll have just about the same effect on your waistline. So give me thirty seconds or so, and I'll give you a list. Feel the burn!

My Four-Pronged Plan to Stimulate the Economy

1. Mild electroshock treatment
2. Deep tissue massage
3. Profound existential conversation
4. Hustler

Status: Never submitted
Note: Look, I've seen some of the 'stimulus' plans, and mine's no worse than any of them. Maybe all the economy really needs is a 'spa day' once in a while.

Old West Outlaws Less Notorious Than John Wesley Hardin, Who Once Shot a Man for Snoring

Curly Joe Winchester, who once tripped a man for sneezing
Little Tex Claiborne, who once spanked a boy for tattling
Bobby Bonney, whose brother did most of the shooting, frankly
Sherman 'Hoss' White, who once stabbed a man for singing, and though the man lived, we hear he ended up with a really nasty scar
Wildcat Jane Clanton, who once kicked a dog for drooling
Buckshot Abrams, who once gave a man a dirty look for hitching his horse to a handicapped post
Clint 'Doc' McGee, who shot a man once, but only in self-defense, and was haunted by the memory for years afterward

Status: Submitted to McSweeney's 03/07; rejected 03/07
Note: I really like the idea of less-notorious outlaws. Maybe it's because I myself once wedgied a man just for smirking. Where's my Time/Life book series, I ask you?

Additional Situations During Which Sting May Be 'Watching You'

Every leaf you rake
Every limp handshake
On your coffee break
When your bunions ache
During Rikki Lake
At your next clambake

Status: Submitted to McSweeney's 10/06; rejected 10/06
Note: I really felt like throwing a 'When you cheat on your taxes' or '>i>While you're sleeping' in there, but I thought it might be a little much. Creepy Euro rock stars sneaking up on me is one thing I don't want to have to worry about.

Things I Would Never Do When I Think a Policeman Might Be Watching

Exceed the speed limit
Vandalize a public edifice
Pick my nose
Create a public disturbance
Jaywalk
Covet my neighbor's wife
Transport contraband across state lines
Litter
Offer candy to children
Worship false idols

Status: Never submitted
Note: Not that I would ever do any of these things in the first place, of course. As far as you know. And if you're not buying it -- then just don't tell the damned cops! I have to do all my coveting and jaywalking in private as it is.

Words That Aren't Asian in Origin, But Are Still More Fun to Say With a Cheesy Kung Fu Movie Accent

Hiawatha
Chichen Itza
Milli Vanilli
Ikea
prestidigitation
Kiki Vandeweghe
Testarossa
Gitchee Gumee
pooper scooper
mojito

Status: Never submitted
Note: My personal favorite on this list is, of course, Ikea. Those who know me personally are well aware that I am physically incapable of saying the word without sounding like a constipated ninja delivering a deadly karate chop. Iiii-KEEEEE-ah!

Things I've Yelled at Pedestrians From My Car That Could, In a Court of Law, Conceivably Be Considered 'Road Rage'

"Lady, that ass isn't nearly hot enough to keep me from smacking you with a Honda."
"Next time, mister? Legless. LEGLESS!!"
"Your crossing guard can't help you now, Junior!"
"I will run you over, and then I will eat you!"
"Hey, humpstain -- my 'right of way' trumps your 'right to life', you dig?"
"Move that walker, grandpa, or you'll be trading it for a wheelchair!"
"I bet that sweater would look even better crumpled up on my front bumper."
"You'd better have a Buick in those pants, buddy, or this is gonna hurt."
"Nice legs, sweetheart. Now USE THEM!!"
"Metal box go fast! Box hit you -- very bad! Me winner! You? Douchebag!"

Status: Never submitted
Note: I'll fess up -- I've never actually yelled most of these things to actual pedestrians. But I've thought them, and worse. In the heat of the moment, I'm usually reduced to shaking an angry fist and screaming something eloquent like, 'BLLLUURRGH!!' Yes, I'm a weenie.

Questions That Should Never Be Answered Honestly

'Do these jeans make my ass look fat?'
'That is your finger, right?'
'Do you know why I pulled you over?'
'Are you just telling me what I want to hear?'
'Hey, that's not a webcam, is it?'
'Who's your daddy, baby?'
'What are you thinking about, right now?'
'Are you shitting me?'
'Is that a banana in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?'
'So how was that visit to the gynecologist, anyway?'

Status: Never submitted
Note: One small clarification may be needed here. It actually is acceptable -- and sometimes advantageous -- to answer the next-to-last question honestly, provided the situtation is right. Which would include not actually having a banana in your pocket, and quite probably not discussing that gyno visit at the time, either.

Ten Hints That Tell a Guy He's Too Old to Ever Be Sexy Again

10) You still imagine yourself participating when you watch steamy love scenes at the movies -- only now you consider how you'd break a damned hip, if you were to carry on like that.
9) Your idea of a date involves an episode of 'Diagnosis: Murder' and a Denny's Grand Slam breakfast. With the right girl, maybe there'll be canasta afterward.
8) Two words: coin purse.
"Your idea of a date involves an episode of 'Diagnosis: Murder' and a Denny's Grand Slam breakfast."
7) You've given up on finding yourself a smoking hot MILF, and set your sights on a nice matronly GILF, instead. You'd better hope she's a Polydent user, Romeo.
6) Watching your favorite TV programs evokes thoughts like: 'I wonder why Bea Arthur and that Dick Van Dyke fellow never got together. They could have had the most handsome children!'
5) Girls no longer give you their phone numbers in bars; instead, they give you the number of a good toupee fitter.
4) Four more words: 1984 Buick Riviera sedan.
3) The barber shaves your ears during a haircut. He doesn't even ask -- he just does it.
2) You notice your nipples getting more tender and sensitive. It's from your belt chafing them when you've pulled your pants up under your armpits. Who are you, Ed Grimley's dad?
1) You make Saturday Night Live references from before anyone reading this was even born. You'll clearly never be sexy again -- you ignorant slut.

Status: Never submitted
Note: For the record, only eight of the ten actually apply to me. I don't drive a Buick, and my waistbands remain somewhere in the vicinity of my actual waste. But I do loves me a game of hot, sweaty canasta. Oh, baby.

Products That May Cause Dangerous Longer-Than-Four-Hour Erections

Viagra
Cialis
A Ferrari Testarossa
Eva Longoria
Chili cheese fries
A Three Stooges marathon
Anything with a Hemi
A three-pointer at the buzzer to win
Eva Longoria, again
Las Vegas

Status: Never submitted
Note: What do you think would happen if Ms. Longoria ever visited a Vegas drive-thru cheese fry restaurant in her Hemi-modded Testarossa, with the Stooges playing on DVD? I don't know either, but I can guarantee it'd be messy.

More Realistic Exercise Alternatives to Thirty Minutes of Jogging for the Average American

Sixty minutes of vigorously kissing executive ass
Ninety minutes of swearing at commuter traffic
Three hours of 'beer pong'
Four hours of playoff Madden on XBox
Six hours of complaining about the weather
Nine hours of sweating over a PowerPoint presentation
Fourteen hours of watching 'Seinfeld' reruns
A lifetime of quiet flabby desperation

Status: Never submitted
Note: I was going to include 'blogging' on the list, too, originally. But it'd take eons of banging away at the keyboard to equal a half hour of running. Better to play it safe and sedentary, eh, kids?

Foods With Less Nutritional Value Than the Chicken McNugget

Twinkies
Gummi worms
Chee-tos
Sandpaper
Rock salt
Packing peanuts
The KrustyBurger Rib-Wich
Rat poison

Status: Never submitted
Note: It may not be nutritious, but after writing this one, I sure am hungry. Can I get mine to go, with a side of Chee-tos and D-Con, please?

IM Status Messages I Would Use at Work, If I Were Really Being Honest

"Weeping softly in stairwell A. Back in 10."
"At my desk, but just don't care."
"Way too sober to deal with you right now."
"Afternoon food coma; useless till tomorrow."
"Being browbeaten by boss. BRB."
"Can't a guy surf for porn in peace around here?"
"Pretending to make coffee. Try me in 5 min."
"In no mood for those bullshit smileys, Carl."
"Sleeping in mens' room. Check stall 3 in emergency."
"Busy ruing questionable career choices. Back in 5."

Status: Submitted to McSweeney's 04/06; rejected 05/06
Note: I kid, I kid. Actually, I don't use instant messaging at work. Sometimes they'll call my cell phone, and wake me up on the john in the bathroom stall, though. Man, is that embarrassing.

Birthday Presents for Unwanted Children

Tackle-Me Elmo
Barbed Wire Slinky
E-Z Break Oven
Simon (Cowell) Sez
Chinese Water Torture Checkers
Horny Horny Hippos
Crack House Barbie
Connect Fourteen
Snoopy's Yellow Sno-Cone Machine
Jarts

Status: Never submitted
Note: For the record, I never received any of these gifts from my own parents. Except Jarts. They did buy me Jarts. Really, really, really sharp Jarts. And they used to pin the target to my ceiling so I could 'practice'. Maybe they were trying to tell me something, after all.

Names the NCAA Basketball Tournament Might Be Known By, If It Didn't Occur in March

December Dementia
May Mania
October Agitation
The Christmastime Crazies
Summer Solstice Psychosis
Leap Day Lunacy
Harvest Moon Hysteria
"Those damned tall kids pre-empting CSI again!"

Status: Submitted to McSweeney's 03/06; rejected 03/06
Note: I still think 'Harvest Moon Hysteria' would get people excited about basketball. But probably only Amish people, since they're the only ones who know when the hell it comes. Or what a 'harvest' is.

Bingo Night with People Who Don't Quite Grasp the Concept

"I-19."

"G-53."

"B-2."

"BIG! I spelled B-I-G!"

"It's BINGO, Mrs. Brown. Not BIG. Keep playing. O-70."

"GOBI! GOBI over here!"

"I'm sorry, no."

"It's a desert! I'm not making it up this time!"

"It is a desert, yes. But it's not BINGO. O-68."

"B-*sigh*. B-14."

"BOOB! BOOB! B-O-O-B, boooooob!"

"Mr. Reynolds, no. And let go of Mrs. Harrison's shawl. We've discussed this. N-37."

"Nothing? No one has a bingo yet? G-55."

"I-22. Anyone?"

"N-44?... Meh. Fine, what have you got?"

"I got a BOOG."
"BIGGIO?"
"BOOBING! BOOBING! BOOBING!"
"CHECKMATE! King me already, ya mensch, ya."
"GIBBON!"

"Close enough, GIBBON it is. Extra applesauce for Mrs. Graham tonight. Can we watch Jeopardy now?"

Status: Never submitted
Note: The last list idea from the initial batch to be completed. And like everything else on this site, it's probably funnier if you imagine the old folks from the Simpsons when you read it. I want some taquitos!

Leading Roles for Which Jim Carrey Will Someday Be Turned Down

"Quiet Dignity"
"Subdued in Seattle"
"The Way It Was: The Walter Kronkite Story"
"Being Ben Stein"
"C-SPAN: The Movie"
"Eeyore Takes a Nap"
"Aretha"

Status: Submitted to McSweeney's 02/06; rejected 02/06
Note: Actually, I might sort of like to see Jim Carrey playing Eeyore. Heaven knows he's made an ass out of himself in most of his other movies. Oh, I kid, I kid. No, really.

Winnie the Pooh Catchphrases Considered by A.A. Milne Before He Settled on 'Oh Bother!'

'How troublesome!'
'Piglet poop!'
'Fiddle faddle!'
'Oh, the humanity!'
'Well, piss on Kanga and call me Roo!'
'Poopstain!'
'Honeysuckles!'
'DON'T YOU MAKE POOH SLAP A BITCH!'

Status: Submitted to McSweeney's 01/06; rejected 02/06
Note: Perhaps a little esoteric. And juvenile. And 'fiddle faddle' may be one word. Still -- picturing Pooh screaming that last one, with a bear backhand poised to strike, makes me giggle every time.

Domains Considered By Pepsi Before Settling on 'BrownAndBubbly.com'

SweetAndSugary.com
CarbonatedAndWet.net
CaffeineAndCavities.com
CokeSucksABigFatWeenie.edu
TanAndEffervesh-Effervensc-Efferfesc-*Bubbly*.com
ItMightNotRot_ALL_YourTeeth.org
AnyDomainThatDoesn'tEvokeImagesOfDiarrhea.com
OrGaryColeman.com
IfWe'reThisDesperateTheColaWarIsAlreadyLost.net
Googel.com

Status: Never submitted
Note:I love Pepsi, really. But what the hell were they thinking?

Selected Excerpts from Employee Evaluations I Have Received

'Obviously exaggerated skill set on resume.'
'Better suited to a part-time role.'
'Often tardy.'
'Doesn't work well with others; known to snap.'
'Needs simple tasks explained multiple times.'
'Not easily motivated; could be more of a self-starter.'
'Reprimanded several times for inappropriate pinching.'
'Caught blogging during business hours.'
'Often found sleeping on the job.'
'Prone to slipping out early for a beer.'
'Suggestion: demote to custodial position?'
'Surprisingly thorough.'

Selected Excerpts From Comments My Wife Has Made After Sex

'Obviously exaggerated skill set on resume.'
'Better suited to a part-time role.'
'NEVER tardy.'
'Doesn't work well with others; known to bite.'
'Needs simple tasks explained multiple times.'
'Too easily motivated; could be less of a self-finisher.'
'Reprimanded several times for inappropriate pinching.'
'Caught blogging during 'business' hours.'
'Often found sleeping immediately after the job.'
'Prone to slipping out early for a beer.'
'Suggestion: demote to custodial position?'
'Surprisingly thorough.'

Status: Never submitted
Note: This one started out with 'Surprisingly thorough.' From there, it was pretty much all downhill, as self-serving compliments go. Imagine that.

Sue Grafton's Less Successful Murder Mystery Series

'A' is for Asthma Attack
'B' is for Belt Sander Accident
'C' is for Complications from Minor Surgery
'D' is for Drunken Bet
'E' is for Euthenasia
'F' is for Feeding the Bears
'G' is for Groping a Truck Driver
'H' is for Hypothermia
'I' is for Industrial Solvent Spill
'J' is for Juggling Machetes
'K' is for Krispy Kreme Overdose
'L' is for Lactose Intolerance
'M' is for Morbid Obesity
'N' is for Natural Causes
'O' is for "Old Age-itis"
'P' is for Petting the Wrong Doberman
'Q' is for Questioning Authority
'R' is for Running with Scissors
'S' is for Shellfish Allergy
'T' is for Trampolining While Intoxicated
'U' is for Underestimating the Power of Cheese
'V' is for Vasectomy Gone Horribly Wrong
'W' is for Wood Chipper
'X' is for X-Ray Technician Negligence
'Y' is for "You Really Let Me Get All the Way to Y?"
'Z' is for "Zowie! You Stopped Paying Attention Around 'G', Didn't You?"

Status: Submitted to McSweeney's 12/05; rejected 01/06
Note: I really thought 'Groping a Truck Driver' would put this one over the edge. I'm pretty sure my mental picture of the events surrounding that method of death is way more vivid than it should be.

Lessons Learned This Christmas

Some people's Christmas trees look like they were decorated by a one-legged lobotomized orangutan with ADD issues. Still, it's usually best to not actually say that when the tree owner asks what you think.
There are very few social circles in which it is appropriate to replace the words 'O Tannenbaum' in the Christmas carol with 'Oh, Turdy Bum'. My family is not one of those circles.
Should the presents containing the edible thong you bought your wife and the full-length nightie you purchased for your grandmother somehow get mixed up, you want to clear things up as quickly as humanly possible. No good can come from that.
In some circles, it's considered bad form to return your Christmas gifts. It's especially frowned upon to open a present, demand the receipt, and drive immediately to the mall to exchange the gift for 'something that doesn't blow goats'.
At no time while your spouse or significant other is modeling new Christmas clothes should the word 'Sta-Puft' come out of your mouth. Trust me.
'What the hell is that supposed to be?' is usually not the proper reaction when opening a present. Or when commenting on your wife's candy cane cookies.
'Regifting' and 'underwear' are not two great tastes that taste great together. Particularly if you tried them out first. And accidentally wore them backwards. And played squash in them.
It's widely believed that department store Santas despise having their beards pulled by small children, above all else. But in truth, they're far less patient with a middle-aged man sitting on their lap and asking for a sack of toys down his chimney this year.

Status: Never submitted
Note: Honestly, I've never asked a Santa, of any kind, for a sack of toys down my chimney. I was once propositioned by one who asked if he could put two lumps of coal in my stocking, but I refused. My candy cane doesn't swing that way, fat man.

Adjectives That May Be Used to Complete the Phrase 'Have a ________ Kwanzaa'

Krazee
Kool
Phat
Cadbury (just you wait; the ad guys'll think of it eventually)
Kollosal
Jiggy
Killer
Kornucopial
High-Kwality

Status: Never submitted
Note: One of my deepest regrets in all of life is that I couldn't think of a way to make 'Kowabunga!' an adjective for this list. I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

Songs Made More Compelling By Replacing 'You' with 'Jews' in the Title and Lyrics

'I Want Jews to Want Me' -- Cheap Trick
'Can't Stand Losing Jews' -- The Police
'Jews Are So Beautiful (to Me)' -- Joe Cocker
'I Got Jews, Babe' -- Sonny and Cher
'Don't Jews Want Me, Baby?' -- HUman League
'Jews Shook Me All Night Long' -- AC/DC
'What I Like About Jews' -- The Romantics
'I Will Always Love Jews' -- Whitney Houston

Status: Never submitted
Note: U2's 'With or Without Jews' nearly made the list, but it seemed a bit 'heavy' for the mood. And I'm sure I missed dozens of good ones.

New Years' Resolutions, with Corollaries

Lose weight. (Investigate vacuum cleaner as possible liposuction instrument. Test on dog first.)
Work harder at the office. (Blog four hours a day, instead of three.)
Give more to charity. (One dollar at a time, via G-string deposit. Those poor, poor, hot, poor girls.)
Search for inner peace. (Unless finding it involves an enema. If inner peace is up my pooper somehow, then it's staying put.)
Be better organized and more efficient. (Surely, there's a way to fit six martinis into a lunch, right?)
Do unto others as I'd have them do unto me. (Especially if the 'doing' involves hot fudge and a slinky. Rawr!)
Stop flinging dog poop into the neighbor's yard. (Fling dog instead.)
Eat healthier. (Fine. I'll stop putting bacon bits in my hot fudge sundaes. Happy?)
Do little things to show my wife I love her. (Hey, what the hell are you calling a 'little thing'? Oh. Right.)
Never, ever again decide that a bunch of holiday lists will make a good post. (But hit submit on this train wreck, anyway.)

Status: Never submitted
Note: For the record, the vacuum cleaner doesn't work so well. But on the plus side, the dog's intestines are now completely dust-free!

Words That Should Never Be Spoken on a First Date

'acquitted'
'basement'
'halitosis'
'Oprah'
'pokey'
'proctologist'
'rectal'
'snookums'
'taxidermy'
'woogie'

Status: Never submitted
Note: I'm pretty sure that I've broken my own rule with at least three of these. And had the rule broken against me with four others. Who knew I'd be set up with an inappropriately affectionate ass doctor's assistant with a penchant for stuffing animals?

Comments I've Made About a Movie, to Cover for the Fact That I've Never Actually Seen or Even Heard of the Movie

"Man, could you believe that girl? What a hottie."
"It just works on so many levels. It's almost spooky."
"Hey, wasn't the guy in that from the other thing? You know, the thing. With the girl."
"I heard that was originally unrated, and they had to cut out a bunch of hot lesbo action to make the theaters."
"Eh, you know the Oscar voters won't consider it, though. Buncha snobs."
"I totally saw the ending coming."
"It was so cool how they snuck Steve Buschemi into that one scene. Did you notice?"
"That part in the middle? With the effects? That was so cool."
"They should've gotten Anne Heche for that one part, though. That would've sealed it."
"Meh. The book was way better."

Status: Never submitted
Note: I guarantee you, these comments will fool anyone about any film ever made. Except those 'Ernest' movies. Or anything starring Steve Buscemi, of course.

Proposed Replacements for 'Husky' Blue Jeans Size

'Unskinny'
'Supersized'
'Portly, Jr.'
'Gitano Gigantes'
'Thickskins'
'Reubenesque'
'Roomy Fit'
'Bootylicious'
'Thunderthighs'
'Asstastic'

Status: Never submitted
Note: I wore 'Husky' jeans myself in grade school. I would have so preferred 'Bootylicious'.

'Treats' You'd Rather Not Find in Your Birthday Pinata

Broken glass
Chiclets, pre-chewed
Live bees
Warm oatmeal
Colostomy bags
Gasoline
Rice-A-Roni
The Cosby Kids
Dead bees
Geraldo Rivera

Status: Never submitted
Note: Actually, I sort of like the idea of Geraldo Rivera in a pinata. Maybe the lost secrets of Al Capone are in there with him.

How to Get Jared Fogle's Goat

"Hey Jared, whatcha eatin'? I bet it's Subway. Is it Subway? I bet it is."
"Come on, really. It was lipo, wasn't it? Don't lie to me, skinny boy."
"Man, I bet you'd kill for a Big Mac, wouldn't you?"
"Hey, you're the guy! Who used to be really big and fat and disgusting! That guy!"
"Dude, seriously. 'Six-inch peanut butter and naner on wheat'. It rolls right off the tongue."
"So, you ate what? A sandwich a week for six years? Please. We all know it was a fat suit."
"Look, everybody -- it's the Quizno's baby! Hey, Bob!"
"So after you had your stomach stapled, then what? Damn! Almost had you!"
"It's kind of gay, you know. 'Eat Fresh!' Did you come up with that? 'Cause it's sort of gay."
"So if they're 'sandwich artists', why they don't spread the mayo with paint brushes, then?"

Status: Never submitted
Note: This seemed much funnier in my head. Really. No, you shut up.

Animals That My Wife, If Cornered, Could Kill with Her Bare Hands

An ant
A goldfish
A housefly
An earthworm
Coco, the claw-happy tabby from apartment 10-G
A wounded moth
A (small) spider
That creepy 'Zoom zoom!' kid from the Mazda commercials
A mosquito
Regis Philbin

Status: Never submitted
Note: Actually, two of these aren't true. We don't know any cats named 'Coco'. And she'd never be able to kill a moth, no matter how beat up it was. Regis, however, better watch his fucking back.

Life Lessons That Can Only Truly Be Learned From Experience

"Don't touch that, baby. The stove is hot."
"Nah, tasers don't hurt. They just stun you."
"Sure, biotech's a safe, solid investment. Go for it!"
"Oh, fiddlesticks. Would you mind picking up that soap for me?"
"Ooooh, what a tasty-looking attachment. Clicky clicky!"
"Dude, I'll bet you anything. That's a guy in drag."
"Dysentery, schmysentery. I'm having a glass of water."
"Well, surely the next Brendan Fraser movie can't suck this badly."
"Hey, this is past the date. Take a drink and tell me if it's bad."
"No, really, honey -- tighty whiteys are uber-sexy. Honest."

Status: Submitted to McSweeney's 01/05; rejected 02/05
Note: I dug this one out of my old email cache. I'd almost forgotten about submitting it, almost a year before I started this list of lists. Perhaps some things are better left in the past. Meh.

Posted by Charlie on March 1, 2006 | Email Me

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