Grammar Lessons from the 'Island of Misfit Toys'
All right -- I'm gonna try this out, and see how long I can milk it before I get bored.
(And no, I don't say that to all the girls, either. Or the guys. Or the moo cows, for that matter. Hush up.)
So, here's the idea behind this little item: every so often a word -- a deliciously ridiculous, and often spectacularly inappropriate, word will pop into my head. No reason, no nothing, just *pop*
, and there it is. And I've decided that the world would be a better place if I didn't
just let these words fade off into oblivion. So I'm posting them here, and I'll link the latest one from the front page. With me so far? Frightened, just a little? Good.
So why the name 'Quantum Terminology'? Well, for one thing, I couldn't think of anything catchier, right off the bat. I'm not sure it'll stick, frankly, but it's all I've got for now. And it fits, if you think about it hard enough -- quantum physicists tell us (well, okay, 'us' wouldn't understand them; so they tell each other
, mainly, but that's not the point) that at the tiniest sub-sub-submicroscopic level, all sorts of oddball things are going on. Particles buzzing around, bouncing off each other, transferring energy, changing form into one another, travelling through time, even winking in and out of existence altogether. Spooky, no?
Anyway, that's pretty much how I think of the words that I've listed here. One millisecond, I'm walking along, or driving, or doing headstands in the shower -- perfectly normal, everyday stuff -- and the next millisecond, *wham*
, one of these weird, inexplicable words is in my head. Spooky? No. It's quantum
Okay, so fine
, all you clinical weenies out there -- it's probably really
the early onset of dementia. Take your medical degree and shove it, cupcake -- if these words are gonna worm their way into my head, then I'm puttin' 'em down here for all of you to look at, too. We demented types are all
about the sharing, you know?
So, I hope you enjoy this little experiment. I'll run anything that pops into my head through Google to make sure it didn't infect someone else's brain first, so you'll know that the words you get here are freshly
minty fresh!) I don't know how many of these things I'll remember to post here, but maybe you'll find one or three you like. I know I have.
Term #1: porksmitten
: I really like this one -- it's got so many possible meanings. Think about it -- someone could be 'smitten' with pork, or actual pigs, or (the obvious) 'porking'. (Yeah, it's the dirty
connotation that everyone thinks of first, isn't it?) But with a little creative punctuation, it could also
mean little bitty hoof coverings for pigs, too. Or for pork roasts, I suppose, or even chops.
Okay, there's such a thing as overanalyzing a nonsense word. I see that now. Sorry.
Term #2: balljousting
: Okay, just for the record, when I think of this word, I envision knights on horses, with beach balls or something on the ends of their lances, okay? (And I mean
beach balls, literally. And I mean
lances, dammit!) Or two big burly guys beaning each other with medicine balls, or bowling balls, or cannonballs, maybe. That's
what I think of when I think of 'balljousting
Because there's no other connotation that doesn't give me the damned willies. *shudder*
Term #3: codsmoker
: Look, like I said, these words don't have to mean
anything -- they just pop into my head for no good reason. Frankly, I think I need medication of some kind. Heavy, heavy, medication.
And look, this one doesn't even have a particularly dirty connotation, as
far as I can see. I suppose
a 'codsmoker' could simply be someone who puts a particular kind of fish in the smokehouse.
Oh. Yeah, you're right. When I put it like that, it does
sound dirty, doesn't it? 'Codsmoker
Term #4: melonspawn
: This one I think deserves a web site. No, no -- it's own domain. 'melonspawn.com
, that domain would contain sites about things that people have 'spawned
, created) from their 'melons
, heads). And I'm not talking boogers and ear wax, folks.
Of course... 'spawn
' is kind of a funny word all by itself. And 'melon
' has a whole other
connotation -- probably more widely used -- to describe a different part of some people's bodies. Hmmmm.
Yeah, either way, it's all good. Heads, boobs -- these are all important parts. And then there's the actual fruit
-- who doesn't like a nice melon
now and then? Man, it works on so
many levels! Somebody get out there and register 'melonspawn.com
' today, would ya?
Term #5: assmometer
: Okay, so finally a made-up, pop-into-my-head word with just one
connotation, and not an especially dirty one at that -- 'assmometer' just has
to be one of those rectal temperature takers, doesn't it?
Or... I suppose
one could make the case that it could mean anything that's used
like one of those anal thermo-dealies. Which would make it very
dirty, indeed. And in more ways than one. (Ick!)
I have to mention, too, that when I thought of this word, I was thinking of one pronunciation ('ass-MAH-me-ter
'), but have since realized that another ('ass-MO-me-ter
') is not only possibly, but probably preferable in a'from da hood', street cred kind of way.
Oh, and I just thought of another possible meaning -- the 'assmometer' could be used as a measure of how hot a hottie's backside is deemed to be. ('Deemed to be
'... well, there goes that 'street cred', eh?)
Anyway, I think for this usage, the second pronunciation would have
to be used. For example:
: Daaaaaaamn, check out that J-Lo's iddily-ass! Baby got all kinds
of back, yo!
: Word, dog. She be a hunnerd and ten
degrees on the ass-MO
Yeah, have I mentioned that I need serious help? I have? Good. I mean, I mean... 'solid'. (How was that? Was that 'fly'? Would it help if I'd stop putting
the words in quotes... 'dog'? Meh.)
Term #6: cobslobber
: Let's be clear, right up front, folks. I don't make any
claims as to what these 'words' mean, or even that they 'mean' anything. They pop into my head, I write 'em down, and that's it. End of story.
That said... if this word has
a meaning, then I sincerely
hope that it's the drool that's left on an ear of corn after all the kernels have
been bitten off. I think that's a positively peachy
meaning for this word.
But that's mainly because I can think of other
meanings for it, and they're not pretty, people. Not pretty at all
Excuse me while I go wash my brain out with soap. G'day.
Term #7: jackbaggery
: Here's another word that could mean any number of things. Maybe it's a place that sells accessory pouches or purses for your jackboots. Or a store that sells a different kind of jackbags
. Or maybe a place where you can go to have your bag jacked. And wouldn't that be nice? Doesn't everyone
like a bit of bag jacking every now and then?
(And the answer is no
. No, people don't
, usually. There are very few combinations of meanings for the words 'bag' and 'jack' that make 'bagjacking' something pleasant in the slightest.)
(Which is not, of course, to discount the fact that there are
one or two combinations that would make it pleasant in the mostest
. I'm just saying.)
Man, this whole page is getting weird. I wonder if I'm getting enough vitamins in my diet. Meh.
Term #8: cowbang
: Look, I have no idea. I've told you, these things just pop into my head, unbidden. (And how the hell you'd bid a 'cowbang' to begin with, I
couldn't tell you. Nor would I want to know, if you happen to be privy to that sort of information. Sicko.)
As for a definition... well, I don't know. I suppose it could
something to do with some sort of bovine pyrotechnics, if such a thing exists. It could also be a rather crude description of the mating activities of hot 'n' horny heifers. Personally, I suspect it came about simply as a result of having watched too much South Park
lately -- specifically, the episodes with the giant cow clock and the 'Fingerbang' boy band among them. And hey, can anything
inspired -- even indirectly
by South Park
be so bad?
Term #9: pudsnugglers
: This little gem popped into my head when searching for an exclamation along the lines of 'Curses!
' or 'Drat!
(You know, like 'Newman!
' from Seinfeld
, or my favorite, 'Bitches!
Anyway, as usual, I'm not quite sure what the hell it means. I'll leave it
up to you to decide those thorny sorts of questions. I'm guessing, though, that
the sort of people who would be 'pudsnugglers
' are probably diametrically opposed to activities like 'pudwhacking', which I didn't make up. Nor practice. Nor admit to knowing what it means. Ahem.
Damn. Now it went and got all uncomfortable around here. Pudsnugglers!
Term #10: flaccipointing
: This should only be used when a sad and unfortunate situation is truly... well, deflating
. It's the ultimate term for expressing profound disappointment -- at least if you're a man. As in the example:
'I really liked 'Sorority Pillow Fight', volumes 1 and 2. But volume 3, where they only used throw pillows and pincushions? Very flaccipointing.
I think you can see how useful this new word can be. And seriously -- what was up with that third pillow fight movie? You don't mess with a winning formula