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Life Lesson #232

So... just for any of you out there who might be entering -- or contemplating entering -- some sort of long-term relationship, here's a tip for you:

There is no way -- repeat, absolutely no way to recover gracefully from blurting out the words, 'Oooh, me likey!' about any person other than your significant other.

Some things are possible, people, and then there's that. And it's not. So don't go there.

And the interesting thing is, even if it's not the obvious usage of 'Ooooh, me likey!', it's still not good. I mean, any moron can figure out that your wife or fiancee or girlfriend -- or husband or boyfriend; let's be fair, here -- is not going to appreciate you breaking out the 'likey' about some hot piece of meat shaking its thang on the street. We can see that coming; even the daftest of us.

But it seems that even if you use the phrase in jest, way out of context, it's also frowned upon. So you're still out of bounds when you say things like,

'Ooooh, lookit that thexy Al Roker. Me likey!'

or

'Unnnhhh, the nuns are getting out of church for the day. Ooooh, me likey! Me likey!'

or even

'Hey, I just talked to my grandma. Me likey! Me likey long time!'

I'm not sure why a significant other would freak out about such seemingly normal, innocent banter, but that's what happens. Really. Trust me on this one.

So, let this be a lesson to you young whippersnappers about to be caught up in the maelstrom that is long-term commitment. You keep your 'me likey!' in your pocket, and you use it only with your partner -- and even then, only in the throes of passion, or during a hot 'phone love' session, something like that.

Because even your sugary sweetums isn't going to appreciate your 'Ooooh, me likey!' when they're fighting a cold, or sitting on the toilet, or when they've just let loose a loud, accidental ass-whistler. Again, you're going to have to trust me on this one. I've done a lot of research -- albeit rather accidentally -- and I can tell you: there's a time for 'likey', and a time for not 'likey'. And most times are not for 'likey'.

So bear that in mind the next time your 'me likey' instinct kicks in. And remember this simple rule -- if you're not alone, in private, with your most special pookums, and both in the mood for luv... well, then you'd best just keep your me likey to yourself. You'll be awfully, awfully, genital-punchingly achingly glad you did. Trust me.

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Posted by: steph | August 20, 2004 10:21 AM