I'll Pat Your Backside, if You Pat My Backside Back [Where the Hell Was I?]

June 3, 2005

I'll Pat Your Backside, if You Pat My Backside Back

So, I'm a big baseball fan. And we all know that baseball, along with setting records for tobacco spitting, gumwad chewing, and crotch digging, is the undisputed king sport of the ass pat.

And honestly, I'm thinking we should incorporate the ass pat into other aspects of society, too. Sure, you see a little bit of it out on the basketball court. And occasionally, a big football lineman will set the buns a-jiggling on one of his teammates, as a reward for a nice play. But outside of sports, there's some sort of unspoken taboo on the rump rub -- and I'm not sure why.

Think about it -- what other simple, harmless gesture so plainly says, 'Well done, buddy'? A hearty handshake is... well, it's pretty lukewarm, isn't it? You can get your hand shaken just for showing up, or running into someone you know. It hardly seems worth it to use it to show appreciation, too. I suppose you could do that weird, two-handed claspy thing to make it 'special'. But I always wonder whether someone's trying to steal my watch when they do that. Maybe I'm jaded that way.

Anyway, the handshake is out. So what, then? A clap on the back? How droll. A round of applause? Awfully noisy. What if you're congratulaing someone on getting the baby to sleep, or a particularly good performance in the sack? All that clapping racket is no good. How about a nice tongue down the throat? Yeah -- too much. Maybe to say 'thanks' for curing cancer, or solving that pesky Middle East dealio.

But why bother with these inferior options when there's a perfectly good ass pat waiting in the wings, ready to go? Your buddy finally works a Sunday Times crossword? Give him an 'attaboy' on the rear end. That girl in the cube next to you puts together a nice presentation for the boss? Give 'er a quick slap on the rump. You go, girl! Or maybe a stripper just gave you a really nice lap dance? Ass pat, ass pat, ass pat!

That's how it ought to work. But no. Somewhere, somehow, the ass pat has fallen out of favor. Maybe it's the eleventh commandment: 'Thou shalt rubbeth no rump, excepteth your own.' You go out in the real world and try some of the stuff above, and you'll find yourself in a world of trouble. Your brainy friend will beat you with the Sunday Times, the girl at work will likely end up with half your stuff, and the strip club bouncer just might end up with half your teeth. So, I can't recommend you try any of that, despite the temptation.

On the other hand, maybe we can fight through this prejudice together. We can't possibly turn the tide of sentiment in one day; the ass pat will take time to catch on. But we can start small -- go out there, this weekend, and pat one of your good friends. Right there, on the ass. It's okay. If he or she gives you a strange look -- or a knee to the groin, or a restraining order -- just explain that this is a grassroots effort we're starting here. First, we'll pat two friends -- and then, they'll pat two friends, and so on, and so on, and so on. Soon enough, we'll have cheek-slapping privileges just about anywhere we like. Except the strip clubs, probably -- to be so fricking decadent, those places are way too damned uptight. Or so I hear. Ahem.

Anyway, that's the idea du jour. All I want is a quick, easy way to show my appreciation -- and one that doesn't involve jail time, if at all possible. I'm serious here. You can tell -- this is my serious writing voice. Ooh, plus, I resisted the enormous urge to call this an 'assroots effort' up there in that last paragraph. You have no idea how hard that was for me. I think I hurt myself, even.

So, that's it for tonight. I'm off to enjoy the weekend. And if that involves getting my grubby paws on someone else's rearcheeks? Well, all the better. I always did love congratulating people. Happy weekend, folks.