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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA
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Okay, look. people -- I'm not proud of myself here.
Well, okay, I'm a little proud, but that's not the point. This time.
The point is, I've never written something and posted it elsewhere -- except at the erstwhile ezine Zoiks -- and then posted it here, too. But I'm about to.
The good news, of course, is that you very likely didn't see this when I plopped it online a few days ago. And now that it's December, this shit is downright topical.
(Plus, my wife told me the other day that she thought we shouldn't exchange presents this Christmas. That counts as 'inspiration', if nothing else. You can decide whether I'm being prophetic, or an asshole husband, or somewere in between.
Meantime, it gets me out of posting anything else tonight. So, enjoy.)
At any rate, here's the item in question: a Christmas poem dragged screaming into the modern age. I hope you like it. And cheers to you, mistletoers.
Act I: Wifey Awakens
Twas the night after New Years',
when all through the flat
came the din and the ruckus
of a husband-wife spat.
It started when hubby
had finally dared
to open the bill
for the Visa they shared.
Wifey was nestled
all snug in her bed,
with new diamond earrings
affixed to her head.
She was freshly rubbed down
with expensive lotions and creams,
while her new Prada handbag
danced in her dreams.
When from the den
hubby made such a clatter,
she donned her new silken robe
to see what was the matter.
She arrived to find hubby's
mood turning south;
tearing out his grey hairs
and throwing up in his mouth.
She rolled her eyes skyward
and asked, "What can it be?"
I'd just dozed off to the glow
of my new HDTV!"
Act II: Shopping Mall Roll Call
Hubby stared up at her,
with his anger and pains
pulled by a jumbo martini
and eight throbbing veins.
He ran to her side,
so lively and quick;
he lit into her,
and he laid it on thick.
More rapid than eagles
the store names they came,
And he frothed up and cursed them,
and called them by name:
"First Best Buy! Then Nordstroms!
Then Target and Sears!?!
Then Macy's, Ann Taylor,
The Gap and DeBeers!?!
To the ends of the outlet!
To the back of the mall!
It's cash away! Cash away!
Cash away, all!"
He showed her the bill,
with the bottom line swelling.
"Who are you, anyway --
Tori fucking Spelling?"
His eyes, how they blazed --
his breath shallow and heaving!
His ears were like smokestacks,
His brow furrowed and grieving!
Act III: Ho Ho Christmasy Ho
Hubby pleaded futilely:
"But... there was nothing to fear!
You said we shouldn't exchange
Christmas presents this year!"
And then with a twinkle
like a right jolly old elf,
wifey proceeded to explain
her swag-buying self.
"You misunderstood me,
you silly Magoo!
I just meant I'm not buying
any presents for you."
He spoke not a word
though he did almost smirk,
as his cheeks convulsed
in a spasmodic jerk.
And pressing his finger
tight to his forehead,
he pretended to shoot
and croaked, "Better off dead."
Wifey sprang to her feet
and checked her new ladies Rolex,
wondering why they ever called
women the 'weaker sex'.
"Oh, you!" she exclaimed,
"Don't be so uptight.
Happy Christmas to me;
Now I say, sir, GOOD NIGHT!"
Merry Grinchy thrifty holidays, people. 'Tis the motherfuckin' season. That's what I'm talkin' about.
Hmm, I see someone's re-using his material.
It's no less brilliant, though. WELL done! (I shan't say it anywhere else, though, since I'm bound and determined not to post until '06. I'll show THEM how n00bs should behave.)
"I'm bound and determined not to post until '06."
DD, why? If I read correctly you are 18 or at least intelligent enough to not brag if you aren't. You write intelligently. Granted, you do seem like a granola snorfing hippy, but several of them are, so that's not a problem. I'm just curious.
I'm a well-behaved n00b. Also, hopefully by then I'll become funny.
Sorry for taking over your comment page, Charlie.
I must be an enigma. I'd rather be as far away as possible from any retailer at the holidays. The gift giving this time of year is over rated.
I have a theory that women try to replace lost orgasms with shopping.
You can't post the same material in other blogs? Oopps! :P
This was brilliant by the way. Brilliant!
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That is FUCKING BRILLIANT!!! Would love for more women out there shopping this season to read that AND UNDERSTAND IT! I am so in awe of you right now! LOL!!!