In Space, No One Can Hear 'Two Thumbs Down' [Where the Hell Was I?]

September 26, 2005

In Space, No One Can Hear 'Two Thumbs Down'

So. I see they've gone and made a movie based on Doom. Doom. Doom, I'm saying. Doom. Starring 'The Rock'. In 'Doom: the Movie'. You can't make this shit up, people.

Now, exactly which brand of twitchy-thumbed douchebiscuit thought making a Doom movie would be a good idea? I mean, of all the straightforward, no-plot, shoot-'em-up, damn-the-torpedoes games in the world, why in hell make a movie about Doom? It makes no sense. What's next? A romance novel about Tetris? How about 'Pong: A Play in Three Acts'. Crackheads.

And don't get me wrong -- I'm a gamer at heart. I'm too old to really get into the kewl games; my b0x0rs don't r0x0r, I'm afraid, much as I'd dearly like them to. But even I can think of games that would make better movies. Lots of them. Observe:

You want a tense, suspenseful shoot-'em'-up thriller? Go with Half-Life. The whole fricking game is a plot; you wouldn't have to do anything but write dialogue for the first half hour. It'd be Alien, with better lighting. Or Starship Troopers, with less sucking.

How about one of those ballsy, fast-driving urban dealies Vin Diesel is always screwing up? Hell-oooo. Can you say, GTA? Of course you can. Plus, there's prostitutes -- and if there's anything that makes a bad movie watchable, it's hookers.

(Don't believe me? Then prove me wrong, baby. Prove. Me. Wrong.)

Maybe you're more of the gritty, film noir type. You'd rather watch one of those black-and-white hard-boiled detective dramas. There's always Max Payne. It's even got 'bullet time', which got ripped off in the Matrix movies. Or vice versa. Either way, something to spend the CG budget on.

Or maybe you want one of those sappy, dippy romantic comedies. Hell, somebody must, because Hollywood keeps making the goddamned things. Fine. You want another one -- go make The Sims. I don't know much about the second version of the game -- that's for the kewl kids and haxx0rs -- but you could do worse than casting a film based on the original. Hell, if you manage to get Heather Graham and Halle Berry to play the two hot chicks that live together, I'll pony up eight bucks to see it. But those shower scenes had damned well better not be pixelated out. Fair's fair, dammit.

Anyway, that's just a taste. There are dozens of games more suitable for big screen versions than Doom, of all the assheaded studio ideas. I look forward to a brief stay in theaters, a quick run to video, and then we can all get back to the complex, honest, weighty movies that we know and love. Like Resident Evil, or Tomb Raider, or... aw, fuck it.