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Safety First!

The first thing my mother said when I told her I was leaving for vacation was, 'Be careful!' Mom's always been a cautious lass; she'd make former U.S. Surgeon General C. Everett Koop proud with her finger-waggling health warnings.

Still, she means well -- and so, in her honor, I present a trio of health-related lists that old C. Everett apparently never got around to. You'll also find these hiding out on Charlie's Big List of Lists. Just don't trip on anything on your way over to see. And put on a sweater; it's cold outside. And-- hey! Get that thing out of your mouth; you don't know where it's been!

Man, I'm starting to see where mom gets it now. Sheesh.

Products That May Cause Dangerous Longer-Than-Four-Hour Erections

Viagra
Cialis
A Ferrari Testarossa
Eva Longoria
Chili cheese fries
A Three Stooges marathon
Anything with a Hemi
A three-pointer at the buzzer to win
Eva Longoria, again
Las Vegas

More Realistic Exercise Alternatives to Thirty Minutes of Jogging for the Average American

Sixty minutes of vigorously kissing boss ass
Ninety minutes of swearing at commuter traffic
Three hours of 'beer pong'
Four hours of playoff Madden on XBox
Six hours of complaining about the weather
Nine hours of sweating over a PowerPoint presentation
Fourteen hours of watching 'Seinfeld' reruns
A lifetime of quiet flabby desperation

Foods With Less Nutritional Value Than the Chicken McNugget

Twinkies
Gummi worms
Chee-tos
Sandpaper
Rock salt
Packing peanuts
The KrustyBurger Rib-Wich
Rat poison