Does This Qualify as 'Bettering Myself'? [Where the Hell Was I?]

April 13, 2004

Does This Qualify as 'Bettering Myself'?

So, I've been thinking lately.

(Yeah, I hear you -- 'It's about damned time'. Well, nyah, nyah, and nyaaaaah, there, nipplechest. You ain't funny.)

Anyway, I've been doing some thinking, and I've decided that it's not going to be enough to simply invent a few new euphemisms this year.

(Not that I'm not going to do that, too -- I made a resolution, dammit, and I'm sticking to it. Want proof? How about these:

'sittin' pretty on the Slip 'n' Slide'
'making the good folks at Kleenex just a little bit richer'
'slapping chickens in a wind tunnel'

Or my new favorite:
'gumming Grandma's applesauce'

Heh. Aw, yeah, man. That's the shit. That'll last me for a while.)

Anyway, those sorts of things are nice. And disturbing. And probably illegal in some midwestern states. But I think I can do more. I'll not rest on my perverted laurels, folks, comfy though they be. Seriously, I've got some kick-ass laurels. They're padded, even.

The point is, I've decided to augment my euphemistic efforts with a sexy sprinkling of other terminalia. Not dirty words, mind you, but words that should be dirty, but aren't. Like... oh, I don't know, gherkin. Or penal. Or Santorum.

(Oh, wait, can't use that one. That's already dirty, remember? Moving on.)

So, just in case you want to play along at home -- and why the hell wouldn't you, right? -- I thought I'd leave you with a short list of the oughta-be-dirty words that I'm going to be working into conversations in the coming months. Feel free to add your own -- there's enough pseudo-smut to go around.

Charlie's 'Get Your Gherkin On' Vocabulary List:

alveola
Bjork
borscht
bushwhack
cockles
dongle
Fiddle Faddle
fluffernutters
frappe
gherkin
Grinchy
ouzo
Parcheesi
pestle
puffin
pussywillows
scrunchie
splurge
wrangler
whiskered

All right, that's a good start. Now I'm off to practice on my wife. Maybe if I get all grinchy with her dongle, she'll bushwhack my fluffernutters. Whee!

Permalink | Comments (5)

Categories: Fun with Words!

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Posted by Charlie on April 13, 2004 | Email Me

Comments

I am so glad you listed Parcheesi. I have always blushed and felt a bit guilty when saying it, or even being directed to go get it..."Rae, sweetie, let's have some Parcheesi..."

P.S. Charlie, dearest, come see me at my new place. I recently relocated out the projects to the burbs of blogdom MuNu.

Posted by: Rae | April 13, 2004 11:49 PM

Got nothing to do with dirty words, but my fave euphemism right now is "showbags" as in, 'dude, you're talking showbags right now.

showbags = full of shit.

(blog oughtta be a dirty word)

Posted by: Monkey | April 14, 2004 12:24 AM

LOL... BRAVO!
(standing up in the back applauding while everyone else turns around to see who the excited freak is)

Posted by: nefarious | April 14, 2004 1:04 AM

May I suggest the following for inclusion in your vocabulary listing?

Botox
Chorizo
Clematis
Delve
Flanged
Libellous
Melange
Muff
Naples
Organza
Regina
Stub
Uvula

Posted by: zeno | April 14, 2004 5:50 AM

I consider any word that I can't spell, a dirty word.