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Yes, I'm Bitter -- But I'm Right, Too, Goddamit

You know what? Fuck CBS. Fuck 'em right in that lousy, goddamned, stupid eye logo of theirs. They keep crowing about being 'America's Most-Watched Network -- well frankly, big fuckin' deal. CBS is, always has been, and always will be the 'grandma channel' -- if they're making their millions by pushing their sappy, laugh-tracked pablum to throngs of cataracted eyeballs, then I don't see what they're so motherfucking proud of. Hell, I could throw Bea Arthur and Bob Newhart on a soundstage and come up with a winner for that crowd. No set, no script, nothing -- just those stupid damned canned laughs and an audience full of drooling octagenarians eating that shit up. Feh.

But that's not the point. Well, all right, it's a point, if a pretty damned snarky one. But my real beef is with the CBShitheads' coverage of the NCAA tournament. See, I'm old enough to have seen the tournament covered by a bunch of professionals, with real announcers, who understand how to cover a sporting event. Namely, ESPN. Now sure, in recent years, our network friends in Bristol, CT have gotten a little too 'Hollywood' for their ample britches. But those sports guys and gals still know how to put on a broadcast -- see their various regular season games, womens' hoops tourney coverage, MLB matchups, and more for all the proof you need.

Those of you from my age bracket (which is still 'under 35', thank you very much -- it'll be at least thirty more years before I'll be interested in any of the Matlock-ripoff bullshit CBS is wheeling out there) will need little convincing of ESPN's airtime superiority. You remember, like I do, the halcyon days of our youth, when the games were on wall-to-wall, with sportscasters you could actually stand to listen to, and studio analysts who knew the difference between a 'full-court press' and their 'Lee press-on toupees'. The tournament was fun then, and the coverage added to the experience, rather than detracted from it. And that was with just one channel! ESPN was all we had back then, and they made it work. Where did we go so wrong?

See, this year I laid out some cash for my satellite company's Mega March Madness package. Four channels of action, plus the local coverage -- there's no way I could miss a minute of the action, right? Particularly not a minute of the games my most favoritest team was playing in. Certainly, with five channels of hoopy goodness, that could never happen. Right? Right?

Well, the turdtards at CBS found a way, with a no-look assist from the satellite folks. (Who are actually probably not to blame; if CBSuck has exclusive rights to the games, there's little the satellite and cable companies can do but play along with their little monopolistic ass-headed game. So they're off my shit list. For now.) Anyway, it turns out that those four feeds I paid for are just the CBS bitchcasts from each of the four US time zones. They all start out on different games, but if some assclown in their corporate offices decides that the whole country is gonna watch North Texas A&T finish off their tilt with the Spiny Anteaters of California-San Bertinelli, then that's what the whole fucking country is gonna watch.

Which means, to my teeth-grinding dismay, that it's also what I'm gonna watch, on five crystal-clear channels. Just that. Nothing else. Times five. Now somebody, please -- just tell me. Tell me, just once, who I have to stuff into a toilet and piss on to get this fixed, because it fucking cheeses. Me. Off.

Including and especially tonight, and this is where I get to the heart of all this 'fuckity' this and 'assity' that. See, I can't help it; I'm a die-hard fan. I want my team to win -- no, no, sometimes, I need my team to win. But if they can't win, then I want to be watching when the horrific and unthinkable happens. I just want to be there, if only electronically, when a bunch of strangers who I'll never meet and who play for a school I didn't attend lose a generally meaningless game to a bunch of other kids I've never heard of.

(Okay, so when I put it like that, it takes just a tad of the edge off. But this is important shit, dammit!)

So, imagine how I felt when CBS cut away from the Syracuse-Alabama game, with my beloved Orangemen down a dozen with under three minutes left. Now, did things look grim? Sure. Was the situation dire? Absolutely. But did I -- a die-hard rabid fan, the likes of which set college basketball apart and make it special -- did I still want to watch that game, instead of the meaningless middle of the St. Jackass-Whack Forest matchup? Oh, you bet your rose-tattooed ass I did. I'm a 'bitter end' kind of guy, dammit. And CrapBS denied me my closure. I want my closure, goddammit!

*sigh* All right. I'm done. I'm gonna go to bed now, and hope that a few hours of sleep dulls the pain of the eventual loss that I didn't get to witness. (On any of those five channels, you money-grubbing network asshammers! Bite me! Bite me hard!)

Okay, sorry. Sorry. I am bitter; I'll admit that. I really wanted to care about basketball this weekend, and now... well, now I just don't. Not until October, at least. And CBS does suck ass -- Billy Packer's a big fat weenie, there's nothing good about Jim 'Nancyboy' Nantz, and I've got Clark Kellogg's 'flush with flava' right fucking here.

(I'm pointing to my crotch now, people. Right Here. Heeeere. This is one of those 'multimedia' blog things you're always hearing about. Hee! My crotch is a media. Hoo boy, that's fun.)

But I suppose it's not CBS' fault that Syracuse lost tonight. Now, it's their stupid fucking fault that I couldn't watch them lose, for certain. But CBScatbag didn't commit all those turnovers in the second half, or give up those easy baskets underneath. Ah, well. I suppose there's always next year. I can dream, right? Maybe next year will be like last year, and the Orangemen will win it all again. And maybe by then, a real network will broadcast the games, and I'll actually be able to watch it. Suck that, CBS bitches! Yeah!

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Posted by: Monkey | March 26, 2004 12:58 AM