A Comedy Update... But Not Necessarily a Comedic Update [Where the Hell Was I?]

December 4, 2003

A Comedy Update... But Not Necessarily a Comedic Update

Hey, folks. Before we get started tonight, I want to update you on the standup comedy front. I've got a leetle bit more work to do to get last night's tape ready, but it'll happen in the next day or two.

(For any of you who might be digicam wizards or sorceresses, maybe you can help me -- the tape was shot in 'portrait' format, rather than 'landscape' format. So, actually, technically, I could put the clip up now. But if I did, you'd be staring at my crotch where my head should be.

So what I want to do -- much preferably with some free tool or other -- is flip myself, ninety degrees to the left. Or right, I forget at the moment. I'll make sure I get it right, though -- really, I wouldn't want you to have to stare up my nose for five-and-a-half minutes, either. Nobody needs to see that. Really, ask my wife -- she's been there. I'll figure the thing out.

But in the meantime, any advice would speed things along. Unless you don't know what the hell you're doing, either. That doesn't help. I've got plenty of people who don't know their heads from their asses that are eagerly willing to tell me what to do. If you want to give me useless, cockeyed advice, you're gonna have to take a number.)

Speaking of standup, though, I've got a bit of news that simply won't wait. Or at least, it's not going to wait -- it's gonna get plooped out onto the page right now. And this is what it is:

I've got another show lined up!

Now, this is significant, kids. Well, to me, anyway. Certainly, there are hundreds of millions of people out there who wouldn't give a fuzzy llama's left teste -- which is also fuzzy, coincidentally -- to hear about my show. Frankly, there may be no one else who's interested in this little bit of news. But it just so happens, conveniently enough, that none of those heartless bastards and bitches are writing this blog, either. So, big fat stinky raspberries to them. Nyah!

Anyway, back to the show. For one thing, it's my third show. And three's a charm, right? So I might actually be funny this time.

(But I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you. Even if I am gonna be funny, the show's not for another two weeks, and you'd look awfully ridiculous walking around all blue and puffy for that long. Just play it cool, okay?)

But more importantly, this is the first real show. See, the first two were 'guaranteed gigs', so to speak -- anyone in the 'Standup 101' class that I took got to go onstage and make an ass of themselves. But this show -- this one -- is different. This time, I'll be just another comic, not a newbie to be treated with kid gloves.

(Which is too bad, actually -- I rather like kid gloves. Especially if they're accompanied by garter belts and fishnet stockings. But enough about my twisted fantasies. We're talking about standup here.)

Even cooler, the emcee last night asked if I wanted to come back in two weeks. Yeah. No, really. Okay, fine, it was the guy who taught the class, and he does run the Wednesday night shows there every week. Still, he didn't have to offer me a slot, but he did. So back I'll go, the hump day after next, to unleash my bits about assbags and crotches and blowing smoke up people's asses. And then... well, then we'll see. Maybe a 'real crowd' will shoo me right off the stage.

Hey, it might happen. Right after he invited me back, teach told me that the audiences on 'regular nights' would be 'small and jaded'. Which, of course, immediately made me think, 'Oh? Grandma's gonna be here?'

(Oh, get over it -- I kid, I kid. Granny's actually quite tall for her age.)

Anyway, it made me a little nervous. I mean, I can still seed the crowd with some friends... assuming I haven't cashed in all my favors by schlepping them out to the first two shows. But I'm starting to envision the rest of the attendees as large, growling ogres, just as likely to bite off my toes or pelt me with chicken poop. Or worse, heckle me. The bastards.

So, anyway, that's the update. I'll be right back with... uh, something. I'm so squinchy about this next show that I haven't really planned much out yet. It's like an early Christmas. Or a late Thanksgiving. Or... I don't know -- a completely misplaced Flag Day, maybe. Only better. Yeah, I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. You should be used to that by now.

Now, I've just got to find a way not to suck in a couple of weeks. Seriously, the people who're gonna be there are small. And jaded. How the hell do you deal with that? Damn.