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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA
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On tap first today -- a lyrical look over at Bugs & Cranks at the latest Braves' news:
Camp Correspondence -- My muddah and faddah would be so proud.
Now on to the latest embarrassing episode.
"I wanted to be helpful. So I tried. In retrospect, that was the last thing I should have done."
I bit my lip and resisted the urge to ask, 'Does peeing in the shower count?' She already had her frowny face on; I didn't want to escalate the situation. So instead I assured her that I hadn't been filling up the basement for swimming lessons, or Slip 'n' Sliding down the stairs using overflow from the bathroom sink. So far as I can remember, my water usage has been pretty steady for several years now.
I wanted to be helpful. So I tried. In retrospect, that was the last thing I should have done.
Me: Hey -- maybe it's the upstairs toilet.
Wife: Why do you say that?
Me: Well, it's been making this hissing noise for the past few weeks?
Wife: Hissing?
Me: Yeah, like a low *sssssssssss*.
Wife: Well, it's probably been leaking this whole time! WHy didn't you say anything?!
Me: I, um... I thought it might be snakes.
Wife: Snakes?
Me: Yeah, snakes. In the toilet tank. It could happen.
Wife: And how in the hell did you think snakes could get into the toilet tank?
Me: I don't know -- from the sewers? Maybe you put them there. I don't know what you do when you disappear in there to get ready in the morning.
Wife: And you thought I was keeping snakes. In the toilet.
Me: Maybe. I was afraid to look and find out. I saw that movie, you know. Snakes are brutal.
Wife: 'Snakes on a Plane'?
Me: I was thinking 'Jungle Book', but yeah -- those were some scary motherfucking snakes, too.
Wife: Oh dear lord. What kind of jackhole thinks there are snakes in the toilet? What else did you think we have? Squeaky mice in the door hinges?
Me: Pffft. No, of course not. That's silly.
Wife: Well, at least you-
Me: The snakes would've eaten those a long time ago.
Wife: Look, you. We don't have snakes in our bathroom. Here, I'll show you. Hear the hissing? Now I take the lid off the tank, and see? No snakes.
Me: No snakes?
Wife: No! None! Rest easy -- the water-guzzling toilet is entirely snake-free!
Me: Or... what if they're invisible snakes? I still hear the hissing! Run away! Auggghhhh!
Wife: Jesus. I've gone and married a retard.
So the missus has called a plumber to come look at the toilet. Until then, I'm staying away from the thing, putting police tape around it, and pooping in the back yard. It might get a little chilly out there, but at least I know the snakes in the wild aren't around yet. I just have to avoid the poison ivy.
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