Here's a News Flash: Kooky Headlines Tragically Orphaned! [Where the Hell Was I?]

June 25, 2005

Here's a News Flash: Kooky Headlines Tragically Orphaned!

I'm not really a 'newsy' sort of guy, normally. A couple of headlines here and there, maybe, but that's all. I can stop whenever I want to. Honest.

However, when it comes to comedy... well, I'm a whore, basically. If there's some remote opportunity that I can write something funny -- in a dusty corporate newsletter, or about funerals, or in Swahili; it doesn't matter -- then I'll do it. I'm bold like that. And persistent. And desperately needy.

Anyhoo, I bring it up because just such an opportunity arose a few weeks ago. My comic friend Jenn let me know about a call for jokes based on recent news events. If they liked the first batch, they might ask for more later. Not that I'd actually read any recent news at the time, but I figured, what the hell -- it never hurts to try, right?

On the other hand, I never heard anything back, which I'm taking as a reasonably bad sign. I'm pretty sure this is one of those things that's like asking a girl out on a date. If she doesn't call back, you're not gettin' any. It's maybe not exactly as bad as a 'Not on your life, and get that thing out of my face', but it's pretty close.

And so, since the intended audience doesn't seem so interested -- and since I don't have anything else queued up for today -- their indifference becomes your... well, something. Entertainment? Disgust? Latest written-word nightmare? I can't say for sure -- but there's only one way to find out. Who's up for a few yuks built from month-old headlines, eh? Doesn't that sound tasty? Then read on, baby. It's comin' at ya now.

"The U.S. Army announced on Thursday that it would begin offering tours of duty as short as fifteen months, in an effort to recruit soldiers interested in shorter commitments. An Army spokesman revealed that if the current plan is not successful, there are other campaigns in the works, including 'Operation Summer Job', 'Bernie's Weekend Boot Camp', and 'One Afternoon's Not Going to Kill You... Probably'."

"Minnesota Vikings running back Onterrio Smith is under scrutiny by the NFL because a kit used to beat drug testing was found in his luggage at a Minneapolis airport last month. Smith maintains that he was simply transporting the apparatus for his cousin. No word from Smith on the other items found in his bag, including several reams of rolling paper, assorted roach clips, a Ricky Williams Fan Club membership card, and a button reading, 'I Heart Weed'."

"Microsoft founder Bill Gates has pumped two point three billion dollars into education programs since the year 2000. Unfortunately, all of the money was aimed at replacing teachers with small, animated paper clips."

"Leaders in the U.S. Senate worked feverishly on Sunday to craft a compromise which would avert a looming struggle over President Bush's judicial nominees. Key Senators from both parties met to discuss their options and find common ground. Meanwhile, President Bush employed his own methods, playing 'one-potato, two-potato' in the Oval Office. The president predicts that all of his nominees will be confirmed, as long as the Senate voting procedure starts with 'rightsies'."

"The surging New York Yankees have won eight games in a row, thanks in large part to first baseman Tino Martinez, who has eight home runs in his last eight games. After Sunday's game, Martinez would not comment on whether his recent production coincides with his new pregame ritual of licking spilled steroids from the bottom of Jason Giambi's locker."

"In Kansas last week, the state Board of Education began a new round of hearings challenging the teaching of evolution in state schools. It's unclear at this time whether the Board is rejecting the idea that humans evolved from dumb, hairy apes merely on principle, or whether it's because they actually haven't yet done so themselves."

"Comedian Dave Chappelle, currently on hiatus from his Comedy Central series, 'Chapelle's Show', surfaced on Sunday to refute rumors surrounding his mysterious absence. 'I'm not crazy, I'm not smoking crack,' Chappelle said, then went on to explain, 'The network just gave me a huge bonus, and all I did was close up shop and leave the country. So which one of us did you think was smoking crack again?'"

"In basketball news, the NBA referees' association has asked the league to work harder to defend them from criticism, in the wake of comments made by Houston Rockets coach Jeff Van Gundy. When reached for comment, a spokesman for the officials indicated that if the league doesn't respond, the referees will have no choice but to 'run crying to their mommies'."

"New NASA Administrator Michael Griffin lobbied the Senate on Thursday to speed development of a new generation of spacecraft. When pressed for details, Griffin responded, 'I'm not sure what we need yet; let me see who wins in that new Star Wars Sith movie, and I'll get back to you.'"

"In golf news, Tiger Woods missed the cut by one stroke this Friday at the Byron Nelson Championship. It was the first time Woods had missed a cut in his last one hundred and forty-two tournaments, spanning seven years. While disappointed, Woods on Friday also looked forward to finally spending a quiet Saturday night at home: 'I think I'll watch SNL; is that Eddie Murphy guy still on there? That show sure is funny!' Our condolences go out to Mr. Woods, for what was surely his second bitter disappointment of the weekend."