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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA
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Besides writing regularly here -- and here, and here -- I also occasionally submit pieces to sites that actually can reject them.
And often, they do.
Such was (sort of) the case with the following snippet, which I flung over to Demockeracy, for their recent essay contest on 'Real Estate's Next Hot Spot'. You can't 'reject' an entry for a contest, per se; the piece can only win, lose, or earn an 'honorable mention'.
It didn't win. It didn't earn an 'honorable mention'. You do the math; I've got a tub of ice cream to eat and a blanket to hide under for the next three days.
In the meantime, they didn't seem to like the piece below, but maybe you will. Maybe they're just located in California and don't have a sense of humor about it. Who knows?
But if you're looking for a fancy summer home where the tourists won't bother you -- for the next few to few thousand years, anyway -- then read on.
Tired of those winter blahs, but can't afford to buy an expensive house on the beach? Then we at the Cataclysmic Condominium Corporation have an exciting new real estate opportunity for you!
Located in sunny Searchlight, Nevada, our 'soon-to-be-shoreline' beachhouse condominiums are spacious, modern, and -- best of all -- affordable. That's because Searchlight is currently a near-forgotten ghost town in the middle of the Mojave Desert. But when the 'big one' hits, sinking California thirty fathoms into the sea and bringing the Pacific Ocean right to the patios of these fabulous condos, will the prices stay this low? No way! That's why you need to act now to get in on the ground floor.
Not literally the 'ground floor', of course; we've built our condominium complex on anchored stilts, anticipating the frothy ocean waves to come. Our brand new pier will one day jut majestically into two hundred yards of deep sea water. Jet ski rentals are already available -- we've thought of everything!
"Earthquakes, tsunamis, global warming, meteor impacts, nuclear explosions, floods, erosion, and Justin Timberlake are just a few of the dire imminent threats to the very existence of the state of California."
You're a shrewd investor. We at Cataclysmic Condominiums appreciate that. You're wondering how we can be so sure that three hundred miles of dry land west of Searchlight will soon be submerged into the Pacific. And the answer is -- it's inevitable! The list of natural and manmade disasters poised to doom California grows longer every day. Earthquakes, tsunamis, global warming, meteor impacts, nuclear explosions, floods, erosion, and Justin Timberlake are just a few of the dire imminent threats to the very existence of the state of California. And when it's gone, who'll be left to enjoy the sunny beaches? That's right, you -- in a Cataclysmic Condo in the tropical ocean paradise of Searchlight, Nevada.
So invest in one of our gorgeous units with all the comforts of home and an ocean view arriving soon. Disaster may not strike today, or tomorrow, or in the next hundred thousand years. But when it does, you can be one of the lucky few waiting with a beach towel and a margarita in hand to cash in. Come join us in Searchlight, where our motto is: "Someday, surf's up!"
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Charlie - A friend of mine had a beachhouse in Carmel by the Sea - until a little spring shower came through. He lost half his land and his entire house....I seem to remember last time I saw him, he was looking a lot like the old Howard Hughes, long fingernails and all...heading towards Spotlight.