Where the Hell Was I?: Zolton's Facebook Pranks on Frozen Food Companies

Zolton's Facebook Pranks on Frozen Food Companies

I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.

Truly, these are wondrous times in which we live. From our interwebbed networks of poor grammar and porn to Band-Aids that breathe on their own to huge flying machines that are hardly ever more than six or eight hours late, the modern world is awash with technological marvels.

But none of these marvels are quite so miraculously marvelous as our kitchen freezers. Each of us has the power at our fingertips to carefully bag, label and store food until we're ready to eat it. Or until it disappears into the iceberg at the back of the freezer. Or we move, and leave it for the next people, whichever comes first.

The point is, it's time to celebrate our amazing modern freezers, and the pre-processed, preservativized near-food convenience items we cram into them. And then into ourselves. Because they're delicious.

So I made the rounds of some of the most-beloved frozen food companies, asking about their products. Read on for the microwavable madness -- and my actual posts on the companies' Facebook walls. I promise, it'll defrost your cockles.