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Zolton Does Amazon: Kiss Your Career Hello!

I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.

With a new year comes new beginnings. New resolutions. New 365 Kitties a Year calendars. New post-Christmas-cookie-binge super-elastic fat pants.

And for me, this year, a new job. But no matter where I'm stocking shelves or flipping burgers or begging for spare pocket lint, I know the formula for a successful and rewarding career:

When the boss bends over, you pucker up and smooch. Smooch like the wind. Give a hoot; smooch smooch smooch. Smooch, there it is!

Pucker up, buttercup!

But how to maximize one's ass-kissing to its fullest potential? With the proper supplies, of course. And the proper supplier -- in this case, Amazon.com. So if you're new on the job this January -- or just looking to practice your tuckus puckering for last year's crusty old boss -- read on for the latest tips and my actual Amazon reviews of the products listed.

Or you can kiss ass the old-fashioned way. But come on. That's soooo 2011.

Chap-Ex Case Pack 1000

My Amazon Review:
Sometimes figurative butt kissing turns into literal butt kissing. And the last thing you want is to chap out and blow a lip halfway on your way to that next big raise. It's important to stay moist and supple over the long, puckery haul.

So I always make sure to buy Chapstick in bulk. Or rather, used to -- before I found this generic knockoff brand in the super mongo value size. A thousand case pack is enough chap balm to smooch down a hundred head of cattle, if you had to. I can sugar up boss rear for days on end, and never worry about running out. Thanks, giant shipping crate of Chap-Ex -- you're a real jobsaver!

Best Boss Trophy

My Amazon Review:
What better way to ingratiate yourself to a new honcho than to give him a cheap hollow piece of mostly metal proclaiming him to be the BEST. BOSS. EVAR!!1!eleventy!!

I tried it; there were just two problems. First, my new boss says this statue doesn't look anything like him. As though there's anything I can do about that. Is it my fault he doesn't resemble Verne Troyer on steroids wrapped in gold leaf? I think not. He begs to differ. Fine.

More damaging, after my boss put it on his desk one day, HIS boss walked in and saw it. Now he's mad at me, because I didn't get him one -- and I got my boss in trouble, because he didn't think of buying one for him, either. I tried to weasel in, and instead I'm in the doghouse. If my boss' boss' boss ever sees this thing, I'll probably be canned on the spot. Not my best toadying.

Kumi Kookoon Silk Towels

My Amazon Review:
Oh, anyone can wash the boss' car. We've all been there, waxing down the big cheese's Chevy for vacation days or private offices. You're not going to stand out, just by buffing up The Man's Buick.

So I went all out. When the time comes for me to hose down the boss' Hyundai, I'm doing it in style with these tres fancy silk towels. The "lush silk pile" gently caresses the curves of the dashboard. The "18 essential amino acids" lovingly ooze down the bumper. The tail pipe regales in the "pure luxury" of these heavenly towels. A menial office chore has never felt so sensual; by the time the car's clean, I've practically dirtied it again.

Judge not, ye who have not been touched by the holy silken bumper chamois.

Probably I should go back to washing the car with my clothes on. But these silk towels are just too inviting. Kumi Kookoon, take me away!

How to Be the Employee Your Company Can't Live Without

My Amazon Review:
There's more to keeping a job than pure sycophantery. You've also got to convince the higher-ups that you're just the right person for the job -- and they'd never do it without you. That's where this book, devoted to being all the employee you can possibly be, comes in mighty handy.

Or would, I guess, if all the stuff it suggests weren't so darned HARD. I mean, seriously. Earning a good reputation? Developing a work ethic? Excelling at your job? Solving important problems? Showing up before noon?

Bossman, please. No job is worth all of that. So I paid a couple of guys twenty bucks apiece to read the book and just SAY that I did all of those things, nearby where the boss can hear it. That ought to vault me up the corporate ladder in a hurry. I'll just wait here on the bottom rung for somebody to come by, take my apron and paper hat, and give me the key to the executive washroom.

Should be any minute now. No time like the present.

Yep, any time at all. I'm ready for my closeup, boss. As in... NOW!

Now? Bueller? Hello?

Aw, rats.

Howy cwap, I fink I bwew out a wip!

Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as "helpful" so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!