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Zolton Does Amazon: (Food) Safety First

I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.

They say we are what we eat. That might have been fine back when we were stuffing our gullets full of nuts and berries and spicy pterodactyl wings, but these days its a scary prospect. Our food could be crawling with preservatives, pesticides, spermicides, bug poop, bird spit and itsy bitsy spider whiz.

Also, that old guy in the cranberry juice ads? I hear he dips his junk in the bog between takes.

So I'm always on the lookout for ways to ensure my food is safe. And for me, "on the lookout" means "frantically searching Amazon.com for help". If you're anything like me, you want your nuts spotless, your Ding Dong unadulterated and your melons firm and thumpable. If that sounds tasty to you, then read on for my actual Amazon reviews of these amazing home food safety products.

Because you can never be too careful about what you put in your body. I want to be made of pure pork rinds and Redi Whip, not whatever unsavory contaminants might be hopping along for the ride. That's just not healthy.

Heavy Duty Corn Broom

My Amazon Review:
An ear of corn is a pretty filthy food. It grows out of the ground, which is practically MADE of dirt. Then it hangs out in the air, where any bird, bug or Bubba can wander by and sully it. And that's just before its picked! I've heard stories about the things people do with corn on the cob that'd make you want to shuck your own ears. The ones on your face. And on your cornstalks.

(Some people say those are just jokes. But every joke contains a kernel of truth. And sometimes, a whole cob.)

So I bought this broom, which is apparently specifically designed for decontaminating corn. Now I give the ears a few swipes each, and I can be confident that my corn is free of germs, junk and just about anything else I wouldn't want glommed on my cob. And it works on all corn products, too -- corn chips, corn nuts, corn tortillas, popcorn, candy corns, corn dogs, you name it. Ears to food safety!

Bristles on my niblets have never felt so good!

Ultrasonic Ozone SOUL Food Washer

My Amazon Review:
This baby is the Rolls-Royce of food cleaning technology. From the product features, it "Decontaminates, Disinfects, Deodorizes." It goes the extra mile because obviously, nobody wants the food they're about to eat to smell like anything. The nano-silver coating comes in a scale they call the "nonometer," which I always thought was a tool for measuring sexual stimulation. And though the description doesn't say much about their "Ultrasonic" feature, I assume it's probably the code name for a new Power Ranger or something, who simply beats the germs and dirt right out of the food.

Personally, I love it. I feel safer knowing my food has been blasted with silver and superheroes to get it squeaky clean for eating. I just wish this was more than a "SOUL Food Washer". I'm getting tired of eating nothing but hushpuppies, okra and collard greens. How about a little variety, Mr. Ultrasonic, sir?

Strawberry Warming Massage Oil

My Amazon Review:
Fruit is an especially tricky type of food to keep safe, what with all the chemicals and dyes and angry moose hormones they use these days. I make sure all of my fruit is heated to a safe temperature to break down all of that goop, so I can enjoy a nice fruit salad without fear of an allergic reaction or hideous mutation.

That's why this oil is a godsend for a strawberry lover like me. All of my other fruit, I have to heat manually. I spend more time blowing on my banana or frantically rubbing melons than I do actually putting them in my mouth. It's exhausting.

As a matter of fact, ladies, those ARE my berries in the bowl, AND I'm happy to see you.

Not so with strawberries. I simply drop my berries into a bowl, massage in a little of this oil, and they rise to the perfect temperature for any application. I can plop my warm berries on top of a cake, mash them into a pie or let the whole family enjoy them with a dollop of whipped cream. Double-plus recommended!

Weener Kleener Soap

My Amazon Review:
Occasionally, I'll indulge in a food that maybe isn't so healthy for me, like a hot dog. But I still want to be sure there's no filth or gunk hanging around my Oscar Meyer. That's where this Weener Kleener soap comes in.

I wouldn't dream of slapping my weener in a bun before I give it a good scrubbing with the Weener Kleener. As others have pointed out, the hole in the soap is a little too large for your average American frank. It works better with the larger specimens -- the Polish or Italian sausages, or German brats, for instance. Otherwise, you can try cleaning two or three at the same time, if you're the type who doesn't mind squeezing weeners together like that.

I have never in my life seen a salami so... so... CLEAN!

I guarantee that using the Weener Kleener at your next barbecue, cookout or bar mitzvah -- it works on kosher dogs, too! -- will make you the "top dog" at the party. But remember -- if you clean it more than once, you're just playing with your food.

Ah, screw these food safety gizmos. Alcohol kills EVERYTHING, right?

Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as "helpful" so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!