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Zolton Does Amazon: B-Minus Valentine

I originally wrote this piece for MediaShower.com, for use on the late, great comedy site ZuG.com. Text and images published here with permission.

When you've been married as long as I have, you've got a lot of catching up to do. Every bag of trash you didn't empty, every pair of underpants that missed the hamper, every toilet seat left raised high at attention -- these misdeeds and un-chores pile up over the years until there's no possible way to settle the score with your wife. You could give her a tiara made from pure gold, the Hope Diamond, Fabio's hair, and one of James Taylor's vocal chords, and you'd still be in the hole.

(Also, the police would probably have some rather interesting questions to ask you. You might even get a CSI episode out of it.)

With this kind of insurmountable marital deficit, it's no wonder husbands pamper their wives on Valentine's Day, giving their way-ahead honeys exactly what they want on this special day, when we celebrate the beheading of some wicked-old sassmouth goombah saint. Because let's face it -- one more pair of used BVDs slung over the bedroom doorknob, and the same thing might happen to us.

So the wise among us spend months planning the perfect day, the perfect gifts, the perfect cards -- with writing inside -- and the perfect hamper aim. Those men are wise, indeed.

The rest of us wait until the 12th, and shop last-minute on Amazon for something that'll keep us sleeping in the same bed at night. That's what I did, and it went just about as horrifically as you might guess. Read on for my Valentine's Day selections -- and my actual Amazon reviews of all the products listed.

Did they help me catch up to my wife? No. Matter of fact, she got mad and sent me to the doghouse.

Artist's rendition only. My hair is MUCH more fabulous -- and I could never build a doghouse that nice.

On the bright side, as long as the dog keeps peeing on the carpet, at least I've got more points than her. Happy Valentine's Day, indeed.

Red Ceramic Vase

My Amazon Review:
This vase seemed like the perfect vessel for a dozen roses for my sweetheart. Delicate yet ornate, hand-crafted, and deeply hued, I bought it as the showpiece for twelve blooms representing my undying love. When the vase arrived, I couldn't have been more pleased -- if anything, it's more mesmerizing in person. With swelling pride, I presented the vase of roses to my wife as a Valentine's Day surprise.

"Look, honey, I brung you some purdy- BUH-WHAAAA?"

That's when I realized that I was so caught up in buying this vase, I'd forgotten to buy any roses. Basically, I handed her a big red jug full of water. That doesn't say "I love you." Maybe "you look thirsty, Tex." But not "I love you." Outside of Brokeback Mountain, those aren't the same things. AT. ALL.

Banana Leaf Basket Set

My Amazon Review:
Sometimes it helps to have a visual aid to show your snookums how much you love her. Some guys throw their arms wide, or talk about filling the oceans with love. Other guys get out a foot-long ruler, and wave it around suggestively.

Me, I always tell my missus that I love her "a whole basketful!" So I decided to buy a basket and fill it with goodies, to help her grasp the significance.

What if I filled it with tiny little bottles of booze? Those make EVERYTHING better.

Unfortunately, I didn't check the dimensions of these baskets beforehand. And I ended up with just a little teeny weeny one to show her. It didn't even have room for goodies. I could have maybe dropped a couple of TicTacs in there, but that's about it.

When I showed her my "basket of love," she laughed and laughed and went on about how tiny and "cute" it was. Very emasculating. Now I've got a bad case of the "wicker envy."

Human Heart, Simulated

My Amazon Review:
What more can you give your beloved on Valentine's Day than your very heart?

A necklace, I was told when I handed this one over. Or a tennis bracelet. She would have also accepted a spa coupon, Amazon gift certificate, Manicure of the Month club, an ice cream sundae, three sticks of Big Red chewing gum, or a homemade action figure of herself made from pipe cleaners and paper clips.

Instead, she got a horrifying real-life blood-and-guts plastic heart.

Say what you like about romance. I still maintain my gift was more apropo.

Chocolate-Flavored Condoms

My Amazon Review:
I've always heard that chocolates are a good bet for Valentine's Day. But why risk the possibility that your snuggle bunny will snarf her way through those malted milk balls or Whitman sampler, and then forget all about you? This seemed like a good way for us BOTH to enjoy a chocolate treat.

Or so I thought. My wife made a big fuss over these, calling me 'crass' and 'gross' and 'crude' when I gifted them to her.

Of course, then she disappeared into the bedroom with them and slammed the door behind her. By the time I was allowed back in, the choco-condoms were gone. Where and how, I don't know. But the room smelled faintly of fudge and industrial plastic all day. Now I'm hoping all she did was make fondue.

YOU'VE MADE A POWERFUL ENEMY TODAY, FOOLISH EMPTY VASE!

Join in on the prank! Click the links to see each real-life Amazon review, then mark them as "helpful" so they rise to the top of the list on Amazon. Or click here to read and rate the entire library of Zolton reviews!