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I Also Accept Large, Extravagant Bribes

So, my office is hiring right now.

(Yes, that’s right, folks — get those resumes in here. Applicants should be enthusiastic, bright, well organized, and ready to kiss my ass like it was covered in strawberry frosting. Which it sometimes is, but that’s probably not relevant right now.)

Anyway, we’ve got an open position around the old workplace, and I’ve been saddled with the responsibility of making the first cuts in the field of hopefuls. This time around, that involves phone screening a half dozen people or more.

Yes, phone screening. The bastard child of the interview process. Phone screens are to actually hiring an employee as copping a feel on a crowded bus is to a big church wedding. It’s a crock.

And the worst part is, you can’t really gauge a person from a phone interview. I mean, how am I supposed to tell whether the person will fit in if I can’t see their reactions? The look of horror when I describe the working conditions… the nauseated snarl when I go over the salary and benefits… the cackling grin when I slip a joke in among the interview questions… these are important details, dammit!

(Oh. No, wait. I think I mixed up the reactions and the stimuli there — I think the cackles are for the salary, and the working conditions usually get the snarl. That would leave the nausea for my jokes. Yeah, that’s about right. Bitches.)

So, I’ve got to figure out some way to separate the wheat from the chaff without actually being able to see these people. It’s tough — they’ve all got roughly the same skills, and experience, and they all tell me pretty much what I want to hear… I feel like I’m not ‘screening’, per se; I’m really just spending half-hour chunks of my life talking about work while trying not to cry. I suppose it’s good practice for when I see my family over Christmas break, but I’m not sure I’m accomplishing anything useful.

Oh, well. I guess I’ll just bring all these people in, and talk to them in person. Then I’ll be able to figure out whether any of them can make it in our office. And more importantly, whether any of them can whip out a convincing fake laugh when I tell a joke. Oh, yeah. That‘ll get you an offer. Pucker up, baby.