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Musical Memos: For Those About to Rock

(Ed. Note: Today’s post is a little late, due to a mid-January ‘holiday party’ I attended at the missus’ office last night. I might have something more to say about that oddly-timed soiree some other time.

On the other hand, she works for a law firm, so maybe I won’t. I can get into enough legal trouble on my own, without pushing my luck unnecessarily.)

“Last year, several employees rocked directly on the carpet in Conference Room B, and the stains took months to remove.”

I’m going to try out a new idea today. Maybe it’ll turn into a regular feature — or maybe it’ll fall flat and we’ll avoid eye contact for a while and never speak of it again. Like when the dog hears me sing in the shower. Or that time my parents saw me do standup. Awkward.

Anyway, the latest dubious idea is this: familiar songs, reimagined as memos from one person or group to another. The note might involve the title, the lyrics, the artist, the spirit of the song, or all of the above. For instance, a quick easy one might look something like this:

From: The desk of Mr. Wm. Nelson

To: All the girls I’ve loved before

Hi. I’m not quite sure how to say this, but — you might want to get checked out. By a doctor. There’s a chance you may have picked up the ‘red-headed staphylococcus’. Somehow.

I just thought you should know. Well, see ya around! Kisses,

Willie

Come to think of it, it might look exactly like that. But we can’t stop there; we’re on a (rock ‘n’) roll now. How about an old favorite from Aussie ‘bangers AC/DC:

To: Those about to rock

From: Corporate headquarters

Valued employees,

We understand that some of you in the office are preparing to ‘rock’. While we appreciate your enthusiasm, our legal department would like to pass along the following reminders to ensure that your ‘rocking’ experience is safe, enjoyable and as free of corporate liability as possible.

• Proper flooring protection is a must when preparing to rock. Last year, several employees rocked directly on the carpet in Conference Room B, and the stains took months to remove. We suggest lining the rocking area with a dropcloth or tarp beforehand, or at the very least, old newspapers.
• No one is authorized, at any time, to bite the head off of anything else. We simply can’t afford that level of insurance.
• Pyrotechnics are not allowed at any time in the office. Rockers are welcome to prepare PowerPoint slides for projection during your festivities, but images must be screened and approved by the Communications Department beforehand.
• Reserve your rocking time slot in the conference rooms well in advance. We’ve had issues in the past with double-bookings of rocking meetings and non-rocking meetings, which is obviously productive for no one. Your colorful sweatbands and spandex outfits are as useless to those folks as their typed agendas and three-ring binders are to you.
• The lobby area is not a mosh pit. Also, there is no ‘backstage’, so please ask visitors to refrain from chatting up the receptionist for special passes.
• The laser pointers are made available in the conference rooms for presentations only, and not for ‘trippy laser light shows’. Johnson in accounting is still wearing an eyepatch after a recent mishap.
• Smashing of guitars or other equipment is not condoned. And remember, when it comes to conference room tables, projectors, whiteboards and easels — if you break it, the cost comes out of your paycheck.
• The copy room is for copying only. ‘Reproducing’ with a groupie does not count as ‘copying’.
• Pursuant to local laws, our landlord’s policies and the rules of common decency, no actions on these premises — including ‘rocking out’ — may be performed ‘with your cock out’. This policy will be strictly enforced with the use of the security cameras. We’re looking at you, Mr. Rutherford from Sales and Marketing. You’ve been warned before.
• If you choose to rock in Conference Room C, you’ll have to vacate by 4pm, as the monthly Shareholders’ Meeting is already scheduled. Please keep this in mind, and wrap up your final encore by a quarter till to be safe. And please don’t fraternize with the shareholders; they do not, as a group, participate in ‘rocking’, and we suspect that some may be allergic.

With these guidelines in mind, you should be able to enjoy a healthy, productive and lawsuit-free rocking experience in our facilities. We salute you!

Sincerely,

The Management

So, that’s the idea. ‘Musical Memos’. Maybe soon there’ll be more, and– hey. Why won’t you look at me directly? I’m right over here. Hey!

Oh. I see. *sigh*