Making Pyramids Out of Molehills

May 27, 2004

Hey, folks. Shhhhhhh.

Let’s keep this post quiet, okay? I’m still running a few days behind at the office, so I’m supposed to be getting work done right now. Instead, I’m watching baseball, waiting for my greasy takeout Chinese food to get here, and talking to you. Hey, if I’m gonna slack off, I’m gonna go all out, you know? I don’t dick around when it comes to dicking around when I’m not supposed to be dicking around.

(Ah, yes, a ‘dick’ and two ‘dicking’s in a single sentence. It’s just that sort of highbrow cerebral entertainment that keeps you coming back, isn’t it? Yeah. You know it is, you pervy little monster, you.)

Anyway, I’m in ‘stall’ mode. The longer I can stay busy doing something — anything — other than work, the less I have to think about the enormous turdpile of nonsense that I’m supposed to be working through. And that’s a dangerous frame of mind for me to be in, frankly. My brain wanders off into loopyhood plenty enough as it is, without knowing that it’s supposed to be coming up with shit to distract me with. Because it’s awfully good at distractions.

Look, here’s one now — do you think the ancient Egyptians ever got curious? You know, after all that hard work mummifying people, sucking their lifeless brains out through their cold, stiff nostrils, and pumping them full of concoctions of salves and oils and Horus-knows-what… do you think they peeked? Maybe snuck off to a sarcophagus from a few years before and cracked it open just a touch, for a look inside?

And if they ever did, don’t you think they saw how the flesh was all beat up and crunchy, and how the limbs were all shrivelly, and how the body was clearly no use to anyone who already had a smelly, wrinkly paperweight lying around. Don’t you think they saw all of that and exclaimed, ‘Holy chocolate crapsicles! This stuff ain’t working!‘

(Okay, so they probably didn’t say anything about crapsicles. If nothing else, it was probably pretty damned hot around Gaza in those days; I doubt they had any kind of -sicles at all.

Come to think of it, did they have chocolate back then and there? I dunno. Cats, yeah. Scarabs, sure. But chocolate? No idea. But what the hell good are scarabs and cats, if they’re not covered in chocolate? Makes no sense.

And ‘holy’? Well, yeah, whatever they said probably had ‘holy’ in it somewhere. Hell, they had seventeen thousand gods, or some shit like that. With that many deities running around willy-nilly, just about everything had to be holy, right? There was a sun god, a moon god, gods in the stars, gods in the river, gods underground, gods stuffed down their loincloths… sheesh. If they did have chocolate, I’m pretty damned sure they had a god made out of the stuff, too. Or made out of crapsicles and dedicated to chocolate. Something like that.)

Anyway, I’m just saying that if those guys took a look at their handiwork, maybe they’d have had second thoughts about the whole process. Maybe they’d have started using real preservatives, or vacuum-sealed freezer bags, or something.

Or maybe, just maybe, it took thousands of years for those corpses to start rotting. If those pharaoh-stuffing fools looked at the time, the mummies might have looked perfectly normal. For all I know, they unwrapped them and sat ’em up for tea socials and dinner parties. Hey, who knows — maybe those bodies look so bad now because their previous owners have been using them in the afterlife all this time. Who the hell are we to say?

And dammit… what the hell have I been talking about? Jeez, remind me not to write when I’m supposed to be working. This shit doesn’t even make sense to me. Egyptian gods of crapsicles? Damn. I’d better get to work. I’ll catch you tomorrow.