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Primo Prime-Time Programming

It’s Friday night, and after a long, hard week, I’m relaxing in front of the tube. Only it’s not so relaxing, because there’s nothing much on worth watching. And when I finally did find a decent show — a re-run of CSI I hadn’t seen on SpikeTV — it was mysteriously preempted in a most unexpected way. With about ten minutes left in the episode, SpikeTV suddenly became the TV Guide Network. We emerged from a commercial break not to the crack crime-solving team of Grissom, Brass, and that maddeningly distracting gap between Jorga Fox’ front teeth. Instead, we got two teeny-bopping ‘Whatever!‘ chicks prattling about American Idol. If that’s not the ‘anti-CSI’, then it’s damned fricking close.

“I guarantee you that if two chatty blondes got that much air time together on the real SpikeTV, they wouldn’t be talking about the latest Simon Cowell diatribe.”

I’m not sure how exactly the channel stooped so far so quickly. The TiVo still thinks it’s the SpikeTV channel. DirecTV seems to believe it’s SpikeTV. But no. I guarantee you that if two chatty blondes got that much air time together on the real SpikeTV, they wouldn’t be talking about the latest Simon Cowell diatribe. They’d be wearing bikinis, and possibly wrestling in a tub full of some sort of gelatin-based dessert product. Probably, there’d be midgets involved somehow, too. Just a hunch.

At any rate, there’s nothing on now. Which is disappointing, but it gives me a chance to consider the sort of show that would grab my channel-surfing attention. Something different, something interesting, something compelling with a catchy name and a hint of whimsy. Something like… well, like one of these shows, for instance:

From the FOX Network, a fresh new sitcom featuring the trials and tribulations of a geeky, awkward middle child who also just happens to be one of rock’s premeire virtuoso guitarists. Come for the dysfunction, stay for the seven-minute solos. It’s everyone’s favorite Yngwie on: Malmstein in the Middle.

A&E offers a glimpse into the life of a rough, tough character in sunny Hawaii. He patrols paradise, tracking and searching rascally varmints while he dispenses advice borne from a hard life turned around. You certainly don’t want to be a bail-jumping rodent on his watch, or you’ll face the wrath of Dog the Bunny Hunter.

Nickelodeon gets in the game, with a charming animated series about a plucky little girl immersed in the exciting world of international trade. She’ll entertain, sure — but she’ll also teach us all about tariffs, NAFTA, and politically-motivated embargoes. Gather the kids for duty-free fun with Dora the Exporter.

NBC chimes in with the next generation of game show. Watch as everyday guys and gals vie against luck and the shadowy, mysterious ‘Canner’ for the chance to win one million pickles. Sponsored by Vlasic and hosted by an elderly stork, check your local listings — or the pantry — for: Dill or No Dill.

On Food Network, a faboo new cooking show featuring Ellen Degeneres and Queer Eye‘s Ted Allen. With her dry wit and his dry spices, they’re a perfect match. Melissa Etheridge leads the in-studio band, and juliennes veggies during commercial breaks. We’ll call this show: Now We’re Cooking With Gays!

I think that’s plenty enough. A few episodes of those gems’d fill up the old TiVo. Who’s got a network exec on speed dial, eh? Hook me up here.