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I Don’t Think So, Beermonger

Well, this has just gone too far.

For years now, the beermakers of America and abroad have been warning us to:

‘Drink responsibly.‘

Fine. You make a product, and you want us to use it wisely. I get that. I don’t necessarily appreciate not getting the benefit of the doubt on this point, but I get where you’re coming from. It’s like scissors manufacturers starting a ‘Cut with Care‘ campaign, or BB gun makers reminding us, ‘Don’t Shoot Your Eye Out!‘ Or, for that matter, the cigarette companies screaming, ‘For Chrissakes, People — Stop Smoking!‘ in their commercials.

So, all right. It’s a little obnoxious, but I suppose ‘Drink Responsibly‘ falls under the booze brewers’ jurisdiction. Sam Adams and August Busch the nineteenth — or whatever the hell his name is — are just looking out for me. Why have a good customer cut down in the prime of his drinking years by a drunken car crash or unfortunate tipsy ‘Truth or Dare’ accident, when he can suck down the juice for another thirty or forty years and die with a gigantic sickly disgusting yellow liver? And it can all come to pass, if he’ll just take care and ‘Drink Responsibly‘. Woo.

That’s bad enough, I’m thinking. But I just saw a Miller Lite commercial — speaking of ‘sickly’, ‘disgusting’, and ‘yellow’ — that ended with a local Sox broadcaster (Jerry Remy, if you’re in the Boston area) telling us all to:

‘Live Responsibly.’

Now wait just a goddamn minute, there, Jer. If you want to shill for that watery swill, that’s your own business.

(Lord knows I can’t throw stones; my principles got their asses kicked and dragged away years ago. I’d pimp for them, too, if the money was right. Hell, I’d pimp for Massengill, if they’d pay enough — I don’t care. Pretty much anything short of Microsoft, Verizon, or the New York Yankees — those three could shave my ass and hire gold-plated hookers to kiss the stubble, and I still wouldn’t say a good word about them. Some wounds are just too deep.

Not that I really intended to combine ass-shaving and ‘deep wounds’ while talking about my own tender heinie. Sometimes things just work out that way. Let’s get back to Jerry and his MillerTime motto, before I need some Bactine over here.)

So, it’s fine if you want to be a spokesman for a brewery concern. But don’t presume that just because I might enjoy a tasty alcoholic beverage now and again that you can instruct me to ‘Live Responsibly‘.

I mean, really — how dare you? So long as I’m not hammered off your hoppy froth, I can live my life however damned well I please. If I feel like licking a light socket — while perfectly sober, mind you — then you’ve got no say in the matter, beer man. I can overextend my credit, lick stripper poles, and not keep my arms and legs inside the roller coaster until the car has come to a complete stop, and it’s nunya damned business, you dig? I can even run with scissors, if I want. And the scissor manufacturers can shake their heads at me, and plead with me to ‘Really, Truly… Cut with Care!’ But you beer bitches? Look the other way, and don’t let me catch you eyeballing me. Otherwise, I might run over there with these scissors and make my ‘point’ in person. Comprende?

Anyway, I just thought it was odd. And awfully presumptuous — not to mention hypocritical. Hell, if those Miller Lite goons were ‘living responsibly’, they might manage to spell ‘Light’ correctly. Hell, for that matter, they’d be brewing something good in the first place, like Guinness or something. Somebody needs to nip this new wrinkle in the bud, dammit. Nip it! Nip it!!