Mama Sez: 'Playthings Are the Debil!'

July 23, 2005

Mama Sez: ‘Playthings Are the Debil!’

They say that ‘idle hands are the devil’s playthings’.

Actually, ‘they’ say that to me quite often, come to think of it. ‘They’ might be trying to tell me something. I think maybe ‘they’ should mind their own fucking business. But that’s another post.

So, anyway — ‘idle hands’. ‘Devil’s playthings’. Right. I’m calling bullshit on that right here. I mean, this is Satan we’re talking about here. Dude’s got all the cash in the world. He could have anything he wants to play with — do you really think he spends his leisure time sitting around on other peoples’ thumbs? No. The devil has other playthings, I’m certain. I’ve even given some thought as to what they might be. For instance:

I’m pretty sure that the devil has a Barbie doll. And I’m guessing it’s Courtney Love. Some people might say Martha Stewart, or Pam Anderson. Linda Tripp was a fair candidate there, for a while. But I’m going with the widow Cobain — she’s got the look, the wardrobe, and the reputation. And she’s no fly-by-night evil princess, either — she’s been at it for years. And with veins full of blow and gin, that’s pretty damned impressive. She’s a real Beelzebabe, for sure.

So, what else? How about the Playboy Mansion as the devil’s Malibu Barbie dollhouse? Courtney needs a place to live, right? Or maybe you’d prefer her in Guantanamo — that’s a nice dollhouse, too. And hell, lately, most of the world might vote for the White House. It’s all good — take your pick.

But the devil doesn’t just play with the girlie gadgets — no, I’m thinking the big kahuna of mayhem would have every kind of toy. Like how about:

SUVs as the devil’s Big Wheels?
Tequila — or dirty martinis? — as the devil’s Kool-Aid?
(And would that make beer kegs the devil’s juiceboxes?)
Inflatable girly dolls as the devil’s birthday balloons?
Politicians — pick your favorite party here — as the devil’s Speak ‘N’ Say?
French ticklers as the devil’s finger puppets?
Horoscopes as the devil’s Magic 8-Ball?
Child-proof caps as the devil’s Rubiks Cubes?
Hustler and Juggs as the devil’s comic books?
Or Michael Jackson as the devil’s Mr. Potato Head?

Eh, that’s enough for me. But surely you guys can think of some, too. So what have you got? What do you think the devil’s using for entertainment these days? ‘Cause it’s not my idle hands — that’s nasty!