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Romancing the Stalk

If I’ve learned one thing in twelve years of marriage, twenty-plus years of courting the fairer sex, and nearly four decades of being a doofus, it’s this:

There’s a razor-thin line between being ‘romantic’ and being ‘creepy‘.

Sure, the ladies love to be lavished with attention — but only the right sort of attention. And just the right amount of lavishing. It’s very easy to overlavish.

(Lavish her or leave her. If you lavish her more than twice, you’re only playing with her. Lavisher? I barely even know ‘er!

And so on.)

“All you hair-sniffers and bush-hider-inners out there should probably start taking notes.”

In the interest of saving would-be Romeos out there from making the same mistakes/misdemeanors/restraining order violations that I’ve made, I’d like to point out a few examples of how ‘Sweet‘ can turn to ‘Sugary‘ can turn to ‘Stalky‘. All you hair-sniffers and bush-hider-inners out there should probably start taking notes.

Sweet: Opening the car door for your lady.

Sugary: Opening the subway door for your lady.

Stalky: Opening the bathroom door for your lady.

Sweet: Sending a dozen roses to your sweetie’s workplace.

Sugary: Sending twelve dozen roses to your sweetie’s workplace.

Stalky: Sending Axl Rose to your sweetie’s workplace.

Sweet: Carving your honey’s initials into a tree.

Sugary: Carving your honey’s initials into a Furby.

Stalky: Carving your honey’s initials into your knee.

Sweet: Serenading your sweetheart with a song from ‘When a Man Loves a Woman‘.

Sugary: Serenading your sweetheart with a song from ‘When Harry Met Sally‘.

Stalky: Serenading your sweetheart with a song from ‘When Animals Attack‘.

Sweet: Baking your darling a cake, in the shape of a cake pan.

Sugary: Baking your darling a cake in the shape of a heart.

Stalky: Baking your darling a cake in the shape of an anatomically correct heart. With aortal icing.

Sweet: Surprising your lover by taking her to her favorite restaurant.

Sugary: Surprising your lover by reading to her from her favorite book.

Stalky: Surprising your lover by wearing her favorite panties.

Hopefully, these tips can help keep the more zealous wooers among you on the right side of romantic. If not, then the next ‘registry’ you’ll be listed on probably won’t be for wedding gifts. I’m just sayin’.