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One of Us Is Very Confused

Every once in a while, I scan through the subject lines of the emails in my spam folder, rather than just dumping them. Just now, as I was cleaning out the crap that had oozed in today, I saw this:

New Jack Rabbit Vibrator!

Now, setting aside for the moment that I frankly don’t have much use for a vibrator of any kind — unless I can use it to unclog my toilet, maybe, or floss my toes — I have a teensy question for whoever sent me the email: “Don’t you mean ‘jack hammer‘?”

See, maybe it’s just me, but when I think of ‘jack rabbits’ — or even ‘jackrabbits’, as I’d normally put it — I think ‘fast‘. And from what I understand, from anecdotal research and a series of very interesting interviews down in the red light district, blazing speed is not what most people are looking for in a vibrator. When a lady reaches for her wiggly little friend, she’s not typically interested in a ‘quickie‘; any old boozed-up sailor could fill that bill. No, endurance counts in this area. And that’s just not something jackrabbits are known for, as for as I know. Big feet. Floppy ears. And lightning speed. Again, probably not the first characteristics you’d want from the thing you’re thinking of sticking in your hoohah. I’m just saying.

But I can see, I suppose, where ‘jack hammer’ — or ‘jackhammer’, more appropriately — might whet the interest of certain folks in the market for a ‘marital aid’. Frankly, it sounds a bit scary to me — those mothers can break up concrete, fer chrissakes — but that might appeal to some consumers. Hell, some people like to be tied up and whipped, too. How the hell could I predict what’ll lube up someone’s chassis?

Anyway, I didn’t get a chance to actually read the email — I had already hit the ‘Delete’ button when I noticed it, so it spiralled down the drain before I could open it. But I thought I should post this note, to let the author know:

‘You’ll sell more vibrators by referencing scary heavy machinery than by invoking the image of a small, furry rodent.‘

Of course, that’s just my opinion. And I’ve sold exactly as many vibrators in my day as Mother Theresa has, so feel free to take my advice with a grain of salt. But I’m pretty sure that’s how the world operates. You’ll let me know how you’re doing with that ‘jack rabbit’ thing, though, won’t you?