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Anything ‘They’ Can Say, I Can Say Better

I think I’ve had just about enough.

Everywhere I go, and from just about everyone I talk to, I hear about what ‘they’ say. ‘They’ say you should do this, and ‘they’ say you can’t do that, and ‘they’ don’t want you sticking your tongue in that thing any more.

Well, I’ve had it. Who do these ‘they’ people think ‘they’ are, anyway?

Worst of all, I’m convinced these faceless, nameless bastards don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. ‘They’ dispense their little nuggets of advice into mainstream society, which then eats up the half-truths and misinformation, and hurls it back up in the general direction of any innocent bystanders — like me — who happen to be around.

Enough, I say. I’ll be silently complicit in this charade no longer. It’s time to dispel some rumors around here, people, and shine the sweet, sweet light of truth on the things that ‘they’ tell you. Screw ‘they’; what do ‘they’ know? ‘They’ can suck a wiggly furry one. Yeah.

So let’s clear the air on a few subjects where ‘they’ haven’t given you the real story. I think you agree that the world according to Charlie makes far more sense than what ‘they’ would have you believe.

‘They’ say: ‘The best revenge is living well.’

Charlie sez: No. Giving the douchebag who screwed you over a big fat swirly, pissing in his coffee cup, selling him out to the IRS, and then living well — that’s the best revenge.

‘They’ say: ‘You can’t hurry love.’

Charlie sez: No. When you’ve crammed yourself and a loved one, both half-naked and drooling, into an airplane bathroom at altitude, and you hear the pilot turn on the ‘Fasten Seatbelt’ sign, then you’ll frigging pick up the pace, or there won’t be any ‘love’ at all.

‘They’ say: ‘It’s always in the last place you look.’

Charlie sez: No. If it was in the last goddamned place I looked, then why would I be wasting my freaking time looking in the next place? Dumbass.

‘They’ say: ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder.’

Charlie sez: No. Absence may make the hands grow ‘fondlier’, and the palms grow hairier, and it’ll certainly make the bones grow jumpier… but the heart isn’t really involved so much. And would you really want your heart growing and shrinking like that? I dunno about you, but I’ve got a couple of lungs who would be pretty pissed off if the heart started swelling into their airspace every time my wife left the house.

‘They’ say: ‘Our love won’t pay the rent.’

Charlie sez: No. If you’re an attractive young lady, and you put satin sheets on the bed, hire a midget, and set a webcam up on the dresser, there’s actually a pretty fair chance that it will pay the rent. Or at least it’ll pay for the sheets and the midget. So really, what have you got to lose, ladies?

‘They’ say: There’s no time like the present.

Charlie sez: No. I was here just a few minutes ago, and it was pretty much exactly the fricking same as right now. And now. And… now. All those times are just like the present. Away with your lies!

‘They’ say: ‘If you want something done right, do it yourself.’

Charlie sez: No. If you want something done right that doesn’t involve carpentry, electricity, plumbing, surgery, power tools, upholstery, hula dancing, mountain climbing, sprinting, hostage negotiation, rocket fuel, open flames, meteorology, boxing, liquid nitrogen, European hookers, or any activity that involves the word ‘plunging’, then by all means, feel free to do it yourself. But really, what’s left? Changing the channel, and scratching your ass, basically. And who wants to do either of those yourself? That’s what spouses are for.

Okay, I think that’s enough for now. But I’ll tell you what — if you’ve been troubled by anything that ‘they’ have told you, let me know in the comments or in an email. I’ll drop in later with another post to try and answer all of your questions, and dispel all of their myths. Don’t be a slave to what ‘they’ tell you, friends. The wisdom of Charlie is the one true path.

(Yeah, okay, that’s not true, either. But I’m not quite as full of shit as ‘they’ are, so who are you gonna believe, eh? It’s a two-party system. You don’t have a choice!)