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If I Ran the Mall

(With apologies in advance to the fans of one Theodore Geisel.)

If I ran the mall (a mall not so small),

I’d pack the crowds in — short and thin, big and tall.

They’d gape at the storefronts, stacked nine stories high.

Frantically scrambling for goodies to buy.

But when they arrive, and park snug in the lot,

They’ll discover the difference that my mall has got.

For the stores that you find in a bland shopping plaza

Are not the emporiums with which I would baza.

My mall will be tops, the biggest, the bomb!

So I’m picking out shops with savvy aplomb.

Stores where men want to shop, not the usual schmooze —

Where girls have their hair done and pick over shooze.

No, my place will be different — a male mall paradise;

And here’s a few of the stores that’ll make it so nice:

You’ll think booze and a haircut sounds mighty cool;

Our staff are all grads of barber-tending school.

But if your cutter downs one, to ‘steady his hand’,

Keep a sober eye peeled at the StuporCuts stand.

If you’ve got someone special who’s picky with drinks,

Who tends toward the girly umbrellas and pinks —

Now let her know that life offers much more;

Expand her brew-rizons at the Build-A-Beer store.

Our Foot Licker store stocks all the best sneakers.

But the line out the door’s packed with horny thrill-seekers.

The honeys who work there get quite a barrage;

For each purchase includes a free toe tongue massage.

Have an ex with a birthday coming up ’round the bend?

You’ve got to shell out, but don’t know what to send?

And does she still curse you, and spit at your name;

Or let you know daily you’re solely to blame?

She’ll surely destroy a gift coming from you —

Smash it or burn it or flush down the loo.

If it’s destined to wind up all broken or embered,

Buy her cheap flimsy trinkets from Things, Dismembered.

In our food court, we’ll tell you that staring’s not rude —

Not at our next store, where they cook in the nude.

The clothes may come off, but the baking won’t stop;

They glaze buns all day at the Skinnabon shop.

Need a place to unwind, to let loose and curse —

Without funding the ‘swear jar’ inside your wife’s purse?

Then use our ‘dressing-down’ rooms, and save a few bucks;

We guarantee you’ll feel better at Mens’ Swearhouse and Tux.

Ever wish that your girlfriend was a bit more ‘endowed’?

This next store’s service will leave you both wowed.

Their ‘Gawk Squad’ will ensure the install’s a success;

Visit Bust Buy for bazooms that’re sure to impress.

(I don’t dare to describe our big flagship store,

Lest the ‘decency cops’ show up at at my door.

So while I’m not eager to gloss o’er any facts,

I can’t tell you what happens inside BJ Maxx.)

Yes, I’ll weed the stores down to the creams of the crops;

To the best of the best of the most ship-shape shops.

Only boffo bro-tiques make the cut on my list.

(Though some, it would seem, do not yet exist.)

No matter — I’ll wait til these stores are invented,

And open my doors when all kiosks are rented.

With excellence oozing from every last stall;

That’s just how I’ll do it… when I run the mall.