Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me. Oh, I Forgot - Me!

December 1, 2003

Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me. Oh, I Forgot — Me!

We interrupt your regularly scheduled blog for a series of self-serving, self-promoting, self-aggrandizing, and quite possibly self-pollinating items. We will return you to your blog as soon as our horn has been sufficiently self-tooted.

See, we’re even referring to ourselves as the ‘royal we’. Is that more annoying and pompous than the third person singular?

(As in, ‘Charlie certainly is a comely fellow, isn’t he? Quite the stud muffin, even.‘)

We don’t know. But we’ve made our choice. Deal.

(Hey, by the way, when did the muffin become the foodstuff of choice to describe hot yummy people? Is there something particularly sexy about muffins that we’re missing, and that other baked goods don’t share?

Sure, ‘cupcake’ gets some play, but it’s usually done ironically. But where are the props for the other baked goods? How come you don’t hear people saying:

‘Man, I’d like to get my mitts on that hot little biscuit!‘

‘Oh, girl, check out the pecs on the stud bagel over there!‘

Really, we don’t get it. Muffins are nice and all, but are they really that much more enticing than doughnuts, or hush puppies, or a hot… steamy… cornbread? Where’s the ‘stud cornbread’, we ask you? Where’s the love?

On the other hand, muffins are the only bakery product where you can peeeeel off the top, and eat it as ‘foreplay’. And maybe that’s good enough right there — certainly, when we think of doing that to the ‘cupcakes’ out there frolicking around in, say, the Victoria’s Secret catalog, or on the Man Show… well, we do get a bit peckish, we have to admit.

And if you think ‘peckish’ is nasty, go look it up. It’s actually not dirty. You’re probably confusing it with ‘peckerish’. Which we should have used instead, but we just thought of it. Damn.)

So, anyway, here’s what’s on tap. Please forgive our brazen shamelessness. We’ll spank ourselves later for being bad. We promise.

1. Upcoming Comedy Show

Our… oh, fuck it, that is annoying — My second foray into the seamy underbelly of standup comedy is coming up this week. For any of you in close reach of the metro Boston area, you can come watch me, and several other people, make asses of ourselves at:

The Emerald Isle

1501 Dorchester Ave., Dorchester, MA

Wednesday, December 3rd @ 8:30pm

I’ll be the one telling jokes about penises, bitching about stupid people, and making fun of myself. Oh, wait, no… you can’t really tell us apart that way. Tell you what — I’ll be the one who looks like the guy on this page, where you can even watch the clip of my first show, a couple of weeks ago. It’s like taking a hilarious trip back in time.

(You’ll have to supply your own time-travelly wavy lines. I’m fresh out.)

(And for you short attention-span types, I’ll further entice you with these two little factlets — first, I’ll be doing completely different material than the first show. So even if you watch the clip (or, if you’re Amber, you were cool enough to be there), you won’t get bored with the same old crap about crotches and assbags. It’ll be entirely different crap… about, well, um, crotches and assbags, mainly. But different! Really.)

Anyway, come out if you’d like your funny bone tickled. (No, really, I’ll tickle it myself. We’ll go out back, in the alley. It’ll be fun. And it only might be a euphemism. There’s one way to know for sure.) Seriously, it’s a good time — and there’s no cover at the door!

(Not that I’m suggesting you’re cheap, of course. Tawdry, maybe, but never ‘cheap‘. Just ‘thrifty‘. Yep, thrifty and tawdry — you’re my kinda people.)

B. Upcoming Weblog Review

I’m currently number 10 in the queue at the Weblog Review. It’s taken weeks — many long, grueling weeks — to get this close, but the critiques are coming at a rate of about one a day, so my review should be coming soon. And almost certainly by Christmas, which I was hoping for. In the meantime — and most certainly afterwards — go check out ‘da Review’ — the reviewers there do a great job, and it’s a fantastic place to find a new read or two. There’s a little something for everybody there.

(And a couple of blogs for nobody, as far as I can tell — who writes some of these train wrecks, anyway? And who then asks to have them reviewed? Damn, people — hide that shit in the closet and walk away. Just walk away.

Of course, I say that snarky shit now. Watch them bust out negative numbers for me in a couple of weeks. That’ll be fun. It’ll be like my SATs all over again. Bitches.)

Also, a quick note on the Weblog Review, while I’m at it. They changed the directory structure of their pages a while back, so most of the results from their search will break, if you get deep enough in the site to try a query. The good news is, all you need to do is add a slash in the URL, right after the word ‘review’, to make it work. So if you were to find J’s Notes on the site, with a non-working review URL of: http://www.theweblogreview.com/review286, you could simply change it to: http://www.theweblogreview.com/review/286, and you’re all set! Easy, yes? I know molluscs that could manage it. McDonald’s cashiers, no. Congressmen, sorry. Molluscs, and most people with two neurons to rub together, yes. I think it’s doable.

III. A Wizbang Idea, If I’ve Ever Seen One!

It has come to my attention that Kevin, over at Wizbang!, has put together his own suite of weblog awards, and is prepared to give them out soon. It’s just getting it’s newborn feet under it, but the idea is garnering a lot of early support, and there have been many suggestions for candidates in most of the categories.

There have been so many suggestions, in fact, that the humble little ditty you’re currently soaking in has itself been mentioned! Many, many thanks and much love go out to Buzz, who’s suggested me for the category of ‘Best Humor Blog’. I’m honored and amazed — Buzz has an awful lot of links, and even more friends — to have him single me out for an honor is truly special.

(No, really. I’m not kidding. Really, just this once — I’m serious. Really. What? Stop looking at me like that. I mean it!)

Anyway, go check out the Wizbang awards yourself. Mention me, if you like. (*nudge* *nudge*)

Or nominate other blogs, if that’s what you’re into. Hell, list your own, if you’re one of those kinds of people.

(And I can say that, because… well, I am one of ‘those people’. I’d have probably swooped in there and listed myself, if Buzz weren’t so damned cool to have beaten me to it. I mean, look around — obviously, I have no shame.)

Okay, I think that’s about enough horn-tooting for one day.

(Which is what John Holmes used to say as he wrapped up each day of… um, shooting. So to speak. Yeah, let’s move on now. Ick.)

Anyway, thanks for hanging in there so long. You’re one of the good ones, you are. One of the real, thrifty, tawdry good ones. Hell, if you show up on Wednesday, I might even buy you a beer. Or, um, do that other thing we talked about, back in the alley. You know, the tickly thing. Come on — you know you want to. Nobody likes a tease.

This concludes the emergency self-promotion extravaganza. We now return you to your regularly scheduled hilarity, already in progress.

(*sigh* Again with the ‘we’… apparently, ‘annoyingly pompous’ comes natural to us. Er, um, me. Natural to me. Damn.)