Back to the Drivel Board

November 18, 2008

So. Hi there.

It’s been quite a while since I’ve dusted off the old site for writing. Things look mostly the same around here as I remember them — the same goofy picture, the blue-on-blue decor, the Simpsons mocking me with every click… but things are different now, too.

The sidebar has managed to hork itself out of a couple of sections, for one thing. How it managed to eat two blogrolls and a tribute list while I was away, I have no idea. I should have put that thing on a fricking leash.

That’s not the big thing, though. Things are differenter, still.

“I guess they don’t raise ’em like they used to up in the Frozen Tundra.”

What, you might ask, has changed recently to draw my grubby little fingers back to the keyboard grind? What kept me away in the first place? And what did I do on my summer (and spring, and most of autumn) vacation?

I’ll give you three guesses:

#1. I finally remembered my password.

Right. Like anyone who knows me would believe that I could somehow mentally misplace an important password for eight months, and then finally, heroically pull it back out of the vault and log in.

Please.

The people who really know me would realize that I forgot my password long, long ago, probably sometime during the Carter administration. If the browser hadn’t cached my login info after the first time I set it up, I’d have never made it to post number two.

Trust me — the ‘vault’ is a sieve. Turned upside down. And made from tissue paper. I’m lucky I remember the way to work and back every day; someday, they’ll just throw me on a bus and pin a sign to my chest to tell the driver where to take me.

I’m just hoping when it happens, the sign doesn’t read, ‘Bolivia. Pronto!‘.

#2. I had a baby.

Nice try, smartass.

The timing would be just about right, but no, in no way, shape or form did I have a baby. Nor did the wife. Nor the dog, who’s still kicking around.

(And still distributing various fluids and ungodly odors throughout our house, as usual. For those who’ve forgotten or are unfamiliar with our little terror-ier, feel free to refresh yourself with one of her more memorable moments.

More on the mutt soon enough. If she hasn’t gassed us to death by then.)

So no, no baby. Though it’s quite possible I’m pregnant — except for the whole anatomical dealie, with the ‘no womb at the inn’ and the penis and all. But I’m definitely starting to show.

(So I joined a gym last week. More on that in due time, too. Whoo.)

#3. Something shook me out of my unwriterly funk to post nonsense once again in a renewed spirit of justice, defiance and righteous indignation.

Yeah, I wouldn’t have voted for #3, either. It sounds like actual work.

And yet, here we are.

Over the weekend, I discovered that someone out there (and I mean way out there, as in Wisconsin, of all places) was ripping off my old work — dozens and dozens of posts — and passing it off as his own. And had been for months, even while I was still sweating out new drivel here in late 2007. I guess they don’t raise ’em like they used to up in the Frozen Tundra.

Long story marginally shorter, his site is gone now. If you’re interested in the sordid details (and who doesn’t like to get a little greasy now and then?), I’ve laid out the mess in a post over in the annex. I don’t want the nonsense plastered all over the front page; a few incriminating snapshots and bits of evidence safely tucked away in the top of a closet should do just fine for now.

Meanwhile, I realized that I’ve missed writing here. And I felt an old familiar sensation swell in my chest — pride? Gumption? Acid reflux? I can’t say. But I’m back again to thinking of my words as my children — and if anyone is going to abuse them, exploit them, talk bad behind their backs and slap them around all over the internet, then by god, it’s going to be me.

So I suppose what I’m saying is:

</hiatus>

Welcome back, kids.