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I Think I May Have ‘Blizzard Fever’

So, I’ve had another idea.

(Yeah, I don’t know how that happens, either. That’s like, what — two, three ideas in the same week? Must be the blizzard bearing down on us now. Freaky.)

Anyway, this new idea is all artistic and shit. It’s even sort of Zen. And best of all, you can play along, too, if you like. Seriously, I’m working my ass off over here. Nobody blogs for you like I do, people.

So, my idea is something I’ve decided to call ‘conversation haiku‘. Unless someone can come up with a better name for it, but we’ll go with that for now. In any case, it’s inspired by something I find myself doing all the time: imagining what conversations people around me are having.

(See, I call that ‘imaginative’. Others might call it ‘nosy’ or ‘paranoid’, or maybe even ‘delusional’. Poop on those people. Nobody asked them.)

But maybe you do this sort of thing, too. You know, you see people who intrigue you in some way. Maybe they’re doing something interesting, or seem to be an odd match, or aren’t wearing any clothes — something like that. And so, you begin to wonder what they might be talking about. That’s the crux of coming up with a conversation haiku. And the rest of the details are simple, really:

• conversation haikus are snippets of conversation, real or — in my case, at least — imagined
• the conversations should be between only two people
• the snippet should be five lines long — three by one speaker and two by the other, in alternating form

And that’s it — I’m not getting into that whole ‘so-and-so-many syllables’ crap. This shit isn’t that complicated, though I have found that the ones with shorter lines feel more ‘zen‘, somehow. Maybe that’s just me.

Okay — so now that I’ve described the things, let’s try a few out. If nothing else — and believe me, folks, I’m not promising anything more than this — it’s just another ridiculous way to look under the covers of my brain and see what makes it tick. If I may throw a few metaphors into a blender and frappe them all together. Ahem.

Anyway, let’s rock. What the hell else have we got to do, with two feet of snow coming down?

Conversation Haiku #1: Mother with her daughter of about ten, walking in the mall

Daughter: Momma… why doesn’t my milkshake bring all the boys to the yard?

Mother: Baby, that’s because you don’t have your milkshake yet.

Daughter: Oh. Momma… when will I get my milkshake?

Mother: When I damned well say so, kiddo. And not one second before.

Daughter: Okay, then. Thanks, momma.

See? See how easy that is? And all zen and shit, too, right? I’m not fooling around here, people. Let’s try another one.

Conversation haiku #2: Two kids walking down the street, taking turns kicking a can

First Kid: So, whaddaya think was in it?

Second Kid: In what?

First Kid: In the can. Whaddaya think was in it, before?

Second Kid: Oh, I dunno. Peas, maybe. Or corn. What do you think?

First Kid: Boogers. Boogers… with corn. Everything goes with corn, man.

Now look at that, would you? It’s like staring into the eyes of god or something, isn’t it? Not in a, you know, ‘quality’ kind of way, or anything like that. It’s just oddly surreal, is all I’m saying. I’m going again. I can’t wait any longer.

Conversation Haiku #3: A thirty-ish woman at an ATM, with her dog

Dog: So, how much money you getting out, anyway?

Woman: Um, none of your business. Why?

Dog: I’m out of treats — I wanna make sure you’re not just getting enough to get your roots colored. Again.

Woman: No, I’ve got plenty to… oh, but wait, there’s my bikini wax, too. Oops. Looks like it’s plain kibble for you this week.

Dog: I am so gonna bite your toes while you sleep tonight.

Hoo boy, this is fun. For me, anyway. I’m not so sure it’s as entertaining to read them, but hell, anything’s possible. Maybe that’s fun, too. Why don’t you write some on your own site, or leave me a few in the comments, so I can see for sure? Meanwhile, here’s one for the road:

Conversation Haiku #4: An elderly couple, shuffling along together in a mall

Man: Are we finished? Can we go home yet? My feet hurt!

Woman: Now dear, I told you we’ll be done soon. Be patient.

Man: My head aches! These people smell! I’m scared and cranky!

Woman: That’s it, Edwin — no sex for you tonight.

Man: Eh, crap.

Oh, boy. Stop, I’m gonna pee. You guys gotta try this. Me, I’m off to bed. I’ll see you again after we dig the hell out of this snowbank tomorrow. Nighty-night now.