Elixir in the Rear

October 4, 2006

I spoke to my mother on the phone tonight. She mentioned that my uncle Doug has been having some minor health problems. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed medicine to help. In suppository form. Rectal suppository form. Yow.

Mom mentioned that uncle Doug’s been getting ‘gentle ribbing’ because of his new medicine. I’m no health care professional, but I’m thinking that if the suppository is touching his ribs, he’s probably crammed it in too far. I don’t care how ‘gentle’ it is; get some tongs and fish that thing out of there.

Mom thought that uncle Doug probably wouldn’t appreciate that very much. So she wrote it down for later, in case he ever pisses her off. I’m so glad I could help. That’s me — driving snarky wedges between family members for over thirty years.

“It can’t possibly be the first choice of delivery, for doctor or patient. I’m guessing the suppository system was probably invented by a doctor with a particularly troublesome patient.”

It got me thinking, though. Administering medicine via the poo cave — that’s a medical term there, ‘poo cave’ — seems an awfully strange way to get your health back. It can’t possibly be the first choice of delivery, for doctor or patient. I’m guessing the suppository system was probably invented by a doctor with a particularly troublesome patient. Like so:

Doctor: Okay, Mr. Jones. Here’s your prescription for the pills you need.

Patient: Pills? Oh, doc, I can’t take pills. They’re too chalky.

Doctor: I see. Well, it’s also available in a syrup. I can write you–

Patient: Um, no. Those syrups taste nasty and spill everywhere. No syrups.

Doctor: Hrm. Well, let’s see. There’s also a salve.

Patient: Too greasy.

Doctor: A paste?

Patient: Too sticky.

Doctor: Intravenous delivery?

Patient: Afraid of needles.

Doctor: Inhaler?

Patient: Makes me sneeze.

Doctor: Dissolvable powder?

Patient: Too powdery. Also, I don’t like the word ‘dissolvable’.

Doctor: I see, I see. Well, here’s an idea, Mr. Jones — why don’t you take your medicine, and shove it right up your ass?

Patient: Hmm. Will MediCare cover it?

Doctor: Sure, why not?

Patient: Okay, you’re on.

And thus, the ‘pooper pill’ was born. At least, that’s the way I assume it happened. And probably, that’s more or less how it went down with uncle Doug’s doctor visit, too. Sure, the guy is family, but sometimes he’s just a big pain in the ass.

Which is why he ended up with those suppositories, I suppose. It all makes sense, once you get to the bottom of things. Heh.