Another Sort of 'Naughty Bits' - Where the Hell Was I?

July 21, 2006

Another Sort of ‘Naughty Bits’

(In my mind, this qualifies as a sort of ‘clip show’ post, since the only thing the following snippets have in common is that I once worked them into standup bits. Well, that, and they’re all a little naughty in one way or another.

“It’s good to get a few of those out of my system.”

But nobody’s actually seen the standup clips in which these bits are included, so it also qualifies as a ‘free’ Friday post. Woo hoo!)

Heaven on Earth

When I was very young, my Uncle Joe died. I had trouble understanding what death meant, so I talked it over with my dad:

Me: Hey Dad, where did Uncle Joe go when he died?

Dad: Well, son, he went up to Heaven.

Me: Oh. Hey, Dad?

Dad: Yes, son?

Me: Didn’t you once tell me that all our relatives who’ve died are watching over us?

Dad: That’s right.

Me: And didn’t you say that if I touch myself, they could all see it?

Dad: Well… yes. I said that.

Me: So is that what Heaven is like?

Dad: You know, son — for your Uncle Joe, it probably is.

Well. That cleared things up. And to this day, I wear pants in the shower.

Time to Spare

I’m a big fan of the eight-minute dating idea. It seems like a great way to maximize your chances of a perfect match.

Eight minutes seems like an awfully long time, though. I mean, after three minutes of sex and two minutes of apologizing, what’s left to fill the empty time? I wonder whether people are allowed to bring a book, or a crossword puzzle, or something.

Always Bet on Krispy Kreme

I joined one of those NFL football ‘suicide pools’ this season.

(Ed.: I told you it was a ‘clip show’!)

Apparently, we’re supposed to pick a different team every week, and if they lose, we’re out. I thought it was a different kind of ‘suicide pool’, though. For week 1, I picked:

John Madden, on the crapper, with a jelly doughnut

I still like my chances.

I think that’s plenty enough for now. It’s good to get a few of those out of my system. And if it’s any consolation, you were spared a couple of items that I nearly forgot I’d already posted. You should count your lucky stars. Maybe there’s a guardian angel ‘watching over you’. Heh.