Original humor & comedy articles daily weblog

29

Charlie’s “100 Things Posts About Me”

#29. I made a New Year’s Resolution to lose twenty-nine pounds.

The good news is that I recently hit the nineteen pound mark, and though I’ve backslid just a tad (hey, I had a birthday; cut me some friggin’ slack!), I’m still solidly twelve-to-fifteen pounds lighter than when I made the resolution.

The bad news is that I made the resolution on January 1, 2001. So I’m losing weight at a rate of approximately six ounces a month. Or roughly the weight of one olive stuffed with pimento cheese. Bleh.

Back on the bright side, though, twenty-nine pounds was probably a bit too ambitious, and really not necessary, The point was for me to work out more, eat healthier, and stop stretching that last poor hole on my belt. And on that list, I’m three for three. I got back into volleyball, walk the occasional round of golf, and play softball on Sundays for six months out of the year. In the culinary arena, I’ve cut down on snacks, drink more water, and have six months out of the year when I don’t drink beer and eat nasty bar food after softball games. And now I’m using the third hole in my belt, rather than the last. (Which is good; that last hole got awfully oblong and stretched out. It looks a lot like the subject’s mouth in The Scream. So it’s good to give it a vacation for a while.)

Anyway, losing the full twenty-nine big ones would put me back where I was early in college, before four years of pizzas and keg parties wore down my metabolism. I’m not sure I need to go all the way back, but a resolution is a resolution, right? The cool thing is that I have this rule not to make another until I’ve conquered the last. So until I’m back to my lightweight self, I’m under no obligation to better myself in other ways. Woo hoo! Looks like I’m gonna be tying paper bags on cats’ feet and mowing my lawn naked for a few more years. Yeah, baby!