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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Who’s Got the Weirdest-Assed Blog Posts?

So… new pope, eh?

You know — maybe I’ve been in Boston a little too long, but doesn’t the new guy look just a little like Cliffy, the mailman from Cheers? Is it just me? His name is even close to the actor’s; maybe they’re related, or something. I think I might be a little anxious, if I were Catholic. Cliffy’s a nice guy, and all, but ‘leader of the faith’? Hoo boy.

But enough about shit I know nothing about — let’s talk about my world for a while. As is my involuntary custom on Tuesdays, I spent most of the day in meetings at work. Today was a doozy, though — from eleven to seven, straight through. Ten minutes to grab lunch, but that was it; apart from that, it was eight straight hours of full-on meeting mania. I can’t tell you how much fun that is, people.

(Why not? Because it isn’t. Eight solid hours of anything is too much. I can’t even sleep that fricking long any more. That shit is wrong. I should file for employee abuse, or something.)

Anyway, when you’re stuck in as many meetings as I am, you eventually work out ways to entertain yourself. It’s not like you’re actually going to sit there and listen, right? But you can’t blow your cover, either — you’ve got to be cool. If you spontaneously break into song in the middle of a PowerPoint presentation, or hump the boss’ chair during a status report, they’re probably going to figure out that you’re doing the ‘rich inner life’ thing. Again.

Still, there are only so many times you can count the number of tiles on the ceiling, or balance a pen on each finger. If you want to put a spark into your cockamamie conferences at the office, you’ve got to be creative. Personally, I’ve started playing a little game in meetings — I call it, ‘Who’s Got the…?‘ Let me explain.

Imagine you’re sitting around a conference room table, surrounded by a dozen or more suits, all blabbering on about third-quarter revenues and project management seminars and TPS reports, blabbity blabbety blah. That’s ‘Who’s Got the…?‘ time. I like to start off with something simple — like, maybe, ‘Who’s got the biggest nose?

So, while I’m looking around the room, nodding and pretending to be interested, I’ll size up the schnozzes pointing back at me. Usually there are two or three honkers bigger than the rest, and I’ll have to make a second round to really study them. And finally, after careful consideration, I’ll crown the champion, and declare someone as the Big Nose King or Queen of the meeting. In my head — always in my head, only. And hey, look at that — I just killed five minutes of boring meeting time! Score, baby.

And there are so many games to play! There’s ‘Who’s got the beadiest eyes?‘, or ‘Who’s got the ass-ugliest shirt?‘ Ooh, ooh, or my favorite, ‘Who’s got the biggest boobs?‘ That’s always a good time. Except when it’s me, of course. That hurts a little. You probably want to leave yourself out of the games, actually — crying in the middle of a meeting is another giveaway.

So, there you go — another way to have a little fun around the office. And just try not thinking of this game next time you’re in a long meeting at work. You’ll be right there with me, playing ‘Who’s got the porn-starriest sideburns?‘ or ‘Who’s got the saggiest arm flab‘, whether you really want to or not. Welcome to my nightmare, people. And try not to giggle while the boss is reading the agenda. Heh.

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5 Responses to “Who’s Got the Weirdest-Assed Blog Posts?”

  1. ah says:

    I enjoy playing a game at meetings called “What’s the most inappropriate thing I could do and/or say at this precise moment.”

  2. Wildcat says:

    Great inconspicuous time-killer there, Charlie. I would so love to play that game, only…I don’t have co-workers. I’m a caregiver for an elderly couple (oops, almost said caretaker, yikes!) in their home. Got any tips for those days I forget to bring a book along?

  3. Mental Notes says:

    Okay…this is fun…except when you are a teacher like myself…could get you into trouble…but I like the idea for a staff meeting!!!

  4. Zoot says:

    Yeah.. I’m a preschool teacher.. my games consist mainly of gambling games.. “who will stick their finger in their nose next”, “how many times will i have to tell Jr. to sit down before he acutally listens”, and “who forgot to use the bathroom before they went to bed and will end up peeing on floor..” sigh..

  5. Orchid says:

    LOL

    I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve done the exact same thing and literally burst out laughing. Yeah, people really think I have issues….but little do they know…..

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