Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 FeedBurnerEmailTwitterFacebookAmazon
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

  |  

Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Thrice as Nice, But at What Price?

My employer does a lot of nice things — which is nice. But sometimes, a combination of nice things leads to… unexpected results.

One nice thing they do for us is to buy snacks for the office. Every week, we get a delivery of goodies — sodas, chips, fresh fruit, granola bars and little 100 calorie packets of cookies.

“Sure, you have to eat nine or ten of those little bags to get dessert. But all that exercise tearing them open must cancel out the calories, right?”

Sure, you have to eat nine or ten of those little bags to get dessert. But all that exercise tearing them open must cancel out the calories, right? It’s simple maths, probably.

Anyway, that’s a very nice thing they do. And much appreciated.

At the same time, the company wants us to be healthy.

(They don’t, for instance, condone actually eating a dozen Lorna Doone mini-cookie packs all at once.

And certainly not eating them lying on the conference room table in your underpants. Apparently.)

To encourage healthiness, our employer has a health drive every few months. We’re rewarded for making healthy decisions — like exercising and eating nutritious meals and working out at a gym.

Also, wearing pants while we eat our Lorna Doone cookies in the conference room. That’s highly encouraged. The “pants” part, at least.

The healthy thing is nice, too. Healthy is good. So good, in fact, that a few weeks ago, the company decided to do something even nicer.

And that’s where things went a little bit wonky.

Nice thing number three was this: a way to boost one of the contributions the employees make to charity. The premise was, in the interest of even MOAR health, anyone getting a “non-healthy” snack from the break room on Wednesdays in the fall would owe one dollar for the privilege. Fruit — free. Water — also free. Granola, unsalted peanuts and dried chewy craisins — no-fee, gratis and compliments of the house. Or management. Whatever.

Fourteen packs of little bitty cookies? That’ll cost you.

The money — should anyone’s sweet tooth overcome their horror at publicly paying for a fistful of Funyuns — will go toward our latest charity drive. They’re calling it “Willpower Wednesdays”. And it’s working. Sort of. But also not, mostly.

First of all, nobody’s buying snacks. The “buck of shame” thing seems to be working. So that’s a good thing, I guess, willpower-wise. And we’re a generally healthy group — conference room underpantsed dalliances notwithstanding — so people aren’t even doing the obvious thing you’d think: hoarding armfuls of brownie bits and crunchy pretzels on Tuesdays, and pigging out in Hump Day private. We’re better than that. Honest people. Upstanding. Responsible to ourselves and to each other.

Also, the CEO sent a memo saying not to. Anything we get caught with costs triple.

So nobody’s doing that. Clearly.

Which means we’re not making anything extra for that charity, probably. I guess we’ll just have to redouble our efforts elsewhere for orphaned Bolivian tree frogs or underserved hangnail sufferers or Texans who voted for Yosemite Sam. Whoever the hell we’re trying to help. We’ll get there. Just not with snack money.

Meanwhile, an odd thing is happening. Those unhealthy snacks don’t typically go so fast; there are usually a few left at the end of the week. So with nobody eating them for a whole day, there should be even more left, right?

Weeeeell…

Now it’s psychological. I’ve felt it. I walk through the break room on Wednesday, bee-lining for the rice cakes and low-fat organic bottled water. And any other day, that would be just fine for me.

But not on Wednesday. Not Willpower Wednesday.

Now I walk past those chocolate chip Cheetos and popcorn-flavored popcorn — and I crave. I long. I drool a little, on the rice cakes. Which is good — they need a hint of flavor. But the point is — I don’t want that crap usually. I only want it because I can’t have it, because I’d actually have to pay for it in front of other humans who have managed to not give in to their own longings and cravings and drooling on whatever bone-dry cardboard-tasting bits of stupid crap they’re trying to choke down.

That’s one thing. But then there’s the other thing. The thing called Thursday.

Or, as I like to call it, “Thanksgiving Thursday”.

You see, after Wednesday, the money jar goes away. Along with the stigma, and the sanctions, and the “Tostito tariff”. All that’s left on Thursday morning? The crave.

Thursday mornings are now a complete and utter snarf fest. By eleven fifteen, I’m twitching in a sugar coma, surrounded by a mound of empty cans and candy wrappers. The conference room table will never be the same again.

And I’m not the only one. By three o’clock Thursday afternoon, the snack shelves are wiped clean. Possibly licked clean; I’m afraid to look too closely. All that’s left to eat in the break room are half-squeezed mustard packets and drooled-on rice crumbs.

I don’t know. Maybe our company is too nice. I’ll have to think about this some more.

Right after this stomach ache goes away. So, like, April. June, at the latest.

Permalink  |  No Comments



Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios


Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Favorites
Banterist
...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
DeJENNerate
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Mitchieville
PCPPP
Scaryduck
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
TGNP
Unlikely Explanations

Archives
Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
100Things
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Eek!Cards
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Googlicious!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Standup
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Uncategorized
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work
Zug

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine

Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

TopOfBlogs

HumorSource

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

bloglovin

Top Blogs

 

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved