Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 FeedBurnerEmailTwitterFacebookAmazon
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

  |  

Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Can I Go Back to Bed Now?

You ever have one of those days where, as soon as you wake up, you know you’re not gonna accomplish a damned thing all day?

(Yeah, yeah, I know — I spend the better part of my life not accomplishing anything, so why should today be any different?

But still… I like to go until at least lunchtime with the delusion that I might be productive — that just maybe, today is the day I turn it all around and make the world a better place somehow.

Well, you know what? Today is not that day. World, take a number. Again. Bitches.)

So how do I know, as sure as the nose on my face or the penis in my pantaloons, that I’m going to get nothing accomplished today?

Because I have five — count ’em, five; one, two, three, four, five — meetings at work today. Five!

Count ’em backwards, if you want — five, four, three, two, one. En espanol — uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco. Backwards, in Roman — V, IV, III, II, I.

It doesn’t matter how you slice ’em — there are still damned five. That’s a whole handful of fingers! Or an entire basketball team! Hell, it’s just one smarmy douchebag short of the Brady kids! And that’s at least five Bradys too many. Or maybe just four, after Jan got her boobs — but that’s not important right now. For once in my life, boobs I’ve seen on TV aren’t my highest priority.

(So wait — what was the other thing, again? I got myself all twitterpated with the breasticle talk, there.

Oh, right. I remember.)

Five, dammit, five!

(You know, you don’t seem nearly as upset over this as I am. Either I’m overreacting, or you just don’t give a swooping shit. And I think I know which.

Poopyhead.)

So, anyway — five meetings. Apparently, I’ve moved into the ‘acceptance phase’, because I can’t even muster a good lather over it any more. But even at a half-hour each, that’s two and a half hours of my life I’ll never have back.

(And believe me, folks — most of these meetings have zero chance of ending after thirty minutes. Horny Bulgarian hookers could walk into the room, and they’d be tabled until after the report on last week’s ‘action items’.

(And see — see how this is affecting me? I don’t even have the strength to make the obvious joke about hookers being ‘action items’ themselves.

Or how it’s not the good kind of ‘tabled’.

Or to wonder why the hell I made them Bulgarian. I’m a little delirious at the moment, apparently. Hold me.)

Ah, well — guess there’s nothing to do now but get in there and take my lumps. On the other hand, though… there’s really nothing that says I have to be at these meetings. Only that somebody has to be there, and then I have to know what went on.

Anybody out there want to do me a favor? You can take my TiVo to my office and tape everything that happens, and then I can fast-forward through the boring bits. That way, there’ll only be two and a half minutes of my life I’ll never have back. And that’s way better. Hell, I spend that much time every day in the shower, wondering whether I’ve already washed my hair. That, I can handle.

So, how about it? Anyone want to trade lives for the day?

(Wife not included, but you can stay in the house, if you like. And I’ll make you a sandwich. And we can watch real TiVo when I’ve gone through the meetings.

It’ll be fun. Like summer camp, without all those crappy arts and crafts, or the awkward shame of putting on your swimsuit in front of a bunch of strangers.

Although, if that would help return the favor, we can do that, too. Just don’t laugh — I’m telling you, dammit, there’s been shrinkage.)

Okay, that’s it. I can’t put it off any longer, so I’m going to work. And in only eight to ten hours, it’ll be over, and I can go back to pretending I’ll get something done ‘tomorrow’. It’s not much to hold onto, but it’s something, right?

You kids have a beautiful Thursday. I’m off to visit my own little slice of hell. Toodles.

Permalink  |  1 Comment



One Response to “Can I Go Back to Bed Now?”

  1. Ana says:

    Man, you are too funny. I CANNOT read your blog at work. I boss practically sits on top of me and I absolutely am not allowed to have laughing fits from that position.

    Have some pity on a poor girl, I have to wait until I get home to read, damnit!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios


Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Favorites
Banterist
...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
DeJENNerate
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Mitchieville
PCPPP
Scaryduck
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
TGNP
Unlikely Explanations

Archives
Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
100Things
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Eek!Cards
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Googlicious!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Standup
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Uncategorized
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work
Zug

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine

Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

TopOfBlogs

HumorSource

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

bloglovin

Top Blogs

 

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved