Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 FeedBurnerEmailTwitterFacebookAmazon
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

  |  

Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

A Baseball Triple Play

It’s all baseball all day here today, kids. First, over at Bugs & Cranks, an homage to the newest ex-Brave:

The Rise and Fall of Ryan Langerhans — What three hits in a month gets you in the major leagues.

Then, the latest attempt by various bits of my body to predict the outcome of today’s games:

Daily Predictions: A Homer’s Heart and a Hollow Head — When waffling once per game just won’t do.

And here, a warm and snuggly tale about my upcoming plans at Fenway Park. We’re rounding third now, and heading for home!


Later today, I’ll be attending my first Red Sox game of the young season. Baseball in New England is always an adventure, but these springtime games offer a whole new twist to the nation’s pasttime — unpredictable and rapidly changing weather. The climate can go from mild and seasonal to mad Nor’Easter in no time, and that wreaks a special kind of havoc on the games being played. Not to mention the fans getting drunk and pretending to watch.

The meteorologists are no help, either. Around this time of year, all the local weather weenies want to be the first to ring in blue skies and a warm sunny summer, so they’re prone to jumping the gun on calling the ‘all clear and sizzling’. That’s no big deal if you’re trotting out the short sleeves around the office for the first time in a few months. You might get a little nippy near the water cooler, but otherwise, you should emerge unscathed from your climatological faux pas.

“After my last trip to Fenway, my wife says I’m not allowed to use the Dustbuster to suck out parts of my body that have crawled up inside me any more.”

If, on the other hand, you’re spending six hours braving the elements at the ballpark, wearing nothing but cutoff shorts and a painted ‘B’ on your chest, you might be in for some trouble. Trust me. After my last trip to Fenway, my wife says I’m not allowed to use the Dustbuster to suck out parts of my body that have crawled up inside me any more.

(It’s just as well. It’s always a pain in the ass to empty that teeny little bag.

From the Dustbuster.

That’s the bag I’m talking about.

Boy, this is awkward, huh?

Moving right along, then.)

There was a bright side to freezing my coconuts that day, though. It was so cold, I could hang pretzels on my nipples when I needed my hands free for high-fiving. There’s always a silver lining, you see. Even if it’s an uncomfortable, nasty, mustard-stained silver lining — it’s still there. Attaboy.

This time around, I’ve vowed not to be caught unprepared. Tonight, I’m wearing long pants to the ballpark. And a parka. And mukluks. And one of those furry hats with the flaps that Canadians seem to think are appropriate somehow. I’ll tell people I’m from Wisconsin; it’ll be fine.

(Those are some crazy hats, but they’ve got to be pretty toasty, right? The last time I had that much fuzz that close to my ears was when I accidentally tripped onto the stage at a Vegas strip club. I wonder if the hats smell like vanilla musk and desperation, too?

I bet mine will.)

Precipitation could be a problem, too. So I’ll be taking an umbrella, obviously. And an ice scraper, in case the seat gets enslickened by a sudden cold spell. I might as well take a snowblower, while I’m at it. If the weather doesn’t require it, I can always use it to blow things up into fans of the opposing team. I sure hope they bring their Dustbusters, or they’re going to need that ‘seventh inning stretch’ pretty badly.

Of course, if it actually is warm, I should be prepared for that, too. So I’ll pack a T-shirt in my back pocket. Plus a pair of shorts in my coat, sunglasses in my shirt pocket, and a pair of light kicky sandals under my hat. And if sweaty comes to sweltering, I can always strip down to the Speedos with a big Boston ‘B’ on the ass. I just have to watch out for wedgies, or it looks like I’m cheering for a team starting with ‘E’.

(That got me into a lot of hot water when the Expos were in town. Now I just tell folks I’m supporting G.M. Theo Epstein, and they usually won’t question it.

After a couple of Fenway franks, people probably assume I’ve got his whole name hiding up in there somewhere. Those things will balloon your ass out like ‘El Guapo’ hooked to a helium tank.)

So no matter the weather tonight, I’ll be ready. Of course, I’ll miss the first four innings being patted down, and I’ll need to buy another seat for all the stuff I’m bringing. But my weather worries are a thing of the past, thanks to a little prudent planning. There’s just one question remaining:

Where the hell am I going to hang my pretzels now?

Somebody rent me a stiff nipple for the evening. Help a hungry brother out, won’t you?

Permalink  |  2 Comments



2 Responses to “A Baseball Triple Play”

  1. Zu says:

    You should’ve just driven down to Baltimore for the Orioles-Sox games. We’re always loaded with Boston fans who tell me it is actually cheaper to come here for a game rather than attend one at Fenway. I totally would’ve given you a free beer and hot dog from my stand.

  2. Zu says:

    Plus there is the whole “much farther south” thing. We’re probably at least a little wamer down here.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios


Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Favorites
Banterist
...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
DeJENNerate
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Mitchieville
PCPPP
Scaryduck
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
TGNP
Unlikely Explanations

Archives
Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
100Things
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Eek!Cards
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Googlicious!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Standup
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Uncategorized
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work
Zug

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine

Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

TopOfBlogs

HumorSource

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

bloglovin

Top Blogs

 

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved