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Ye Olde Passengere Bille of Rightes

Baseball things first. Before we get to today’s nonsense, wander on over to Bugs & Cranks for the latest Braves update:

Whither Willy? — It’s not about what you think it’s about. Really.

Now let’s rock.

The nasty weather this past weekend reminded me of the recent travel-related fiasco that led to airline company JetBlue concocting their Customer Bill of Rights. I suppose an angry gaggle of soggy and uncomfortable passengers will lead a company to some rather extreme public relations backpedalling.

“Plop your perky peepers on this piece of Pilgrim public relations propaganda.”

I also suppose it’s not the first time something like this has happened. And digging through a few musty old archives here in Olde New England, I found proof.

Or I made it up. Either way, here it is. Plop your perky peepers on this piece of Pilgrim public relations propaganda.:

The Mayflower Passenger Bill of Rights

The Mayflower Naval Expedition Company (‘the Company’) exists to provide superior service to all folk, righteous Puritan or otherwise, (‘the passengers’) seeking refuge in the New World. In order to reaffirm this commitment, we set forth this Bill of Rights for our brethren passengers. These rights will always be subject to the highest level of safety and security for our passengers and crew members, the will of the Almighty Lord permitting.

INFORMATION

The Company will notify passengers of the following:

• Shortages of rations or victuals
• Freemen or crew members overboard
• Outbreaks of consumption, scurvy, or tuberculosis
• Scheduled public lashings or flogging of transgressors
• Land sightings

CANCELLATIONS

All passengers whose voyage with the Mayflower Company is cancelled will, at the passenger’s option, receive a full refund or reaccomodation on an alternate vessel at no extra charge or fare. If a voyage is cancelled due to inclement weather, severe leakage, or the will of Almighty God, the Company will provide the passenger with a voucher for future travel in a dank cubbyhole beneath the leaky rafters of the next available seaworthy vessel.

DEPARTURE DELAYS

1. Passengers whose voyage is delayed prior to scheduled departure for 1-2 weeks are entitled to a complimentary copy of John Dod’s ‘Exposition Upon the Ten Commandments’, limit one per literate male unindentured passenger.
2. Passengers whose voyage is delayed prior to scheduled departure for 2-4 weeks are entitled to one half barrel of beer or ale, to be consumed during the voyage.
3. Passengers whose voyage is delayed prior to scheduled departure for 4-8 weeks are entitled to the assistance of a designated manservant of the Company’s choosing for the duration of the voyage.
4. Passengers whose voyage is delayed prior to scheduled departure for more than weeks are entitled to wait out the winter months in England, rather than embark on a damned fool sailing expedition during the storm season.

OVERBOOKINGS

The Mayflower Company routinely and severely overbooks its voyages. Passengers will endure the cramped and filthy conditions on their voyage to religious freedom without complaint, or passengers will be tied to the mast and lashed.

It is the Company’s position that any inconvenience, illness, or untimely demise caused by these inhuman conditions are the preordained will of God; the Company takes no responsibility for these Judgements of the Lord against your soul, but assures each of its passengers that we’re really rooting for you to survive the trip.

GROUND DELAYS

For passengers who experience a delay in disembarking for more than 6 weeks after sighting land, the Company will take necessary action to clear the shore of wild beasts, hostile natives, and Satan’s demons so that passengers may disembark. The Company will also provide passengers experiencing a delay with bread and beer, access to Bibles, and, as necessary, leeches and bloodletting treatments.

The Mayflower Naval Expedition Company enters the above sacred covenant with its Puritan and heathen passengers alike; the Company shall abide by these conventions at all times, excepting where they interfere with prayer time, the holy Sabbath, or the whims of Almighty God. Passengers are encouraged to relax and sleep through as much of the journey as possible; you’ll need to be hardy and well-rested on arrival, where brutal winters and accusations of witchcraft and heresy await any survivors. Welcome aboard.