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The Not-At-All-Natural Weight Loss Solution

Would you like to lose weight? Are you tired of friends calling you Porky McChunkerson? Do strangers poke you in the stomach, hoping you’ll make the Poppinfresh ‘hoo hoo!‘ sound?

Then do we have the product for you.

Say hello to– hey. Don’t talk with your mouth full. Chew that bite. Now put down the donut, nice and slow. Good.

Now, say hello to the latest craze in weight loss, a revolutionary new product that will forever change the way the world loses weight. The good people at Exxon and Union Carbide have teamed up to bring you our exciting new diet pill smash: Toxitrim!

Toxitrim is distilled from only the finest industrial-grade runoff, petroleum-based sludge, and chemical byproducts. The raw materials are mixed under intense pressure and heat, lovingly scraped from the sides of our coal coke ovens, and coated with a thin chocolate-flavored shell to pack the maximum weight-loss wallop into your fragile, flabby body.

“We guarantee that you’ll lose weight using our product — and we’re not just talking about hair and teeth, either!”

The benefits of Toxitrim are unquestionable. After just one dose, you’ll notice a drastic change in your appetite and eating habits. You simply won’t want to eat as often — and even if you do, there’s little chance you’ll be able to keep food down. Soon, those unwanted pounds will be literally melting away — along with your stomach lining, and possibly parts of your colon. Who wants a colon, anyway? You know who has colons? Fat people, that’s who.

And forget about exercising to lose weight. No, seriously — forget about it. If you’re still able to walk after a week of Toxitrim, then you’re clearly not doing it right. Our specially formulated and highly corrosive cocktail of ‘flab-busting’ chemicals will have you resting motionless in bed, while they go to work on those embarrassing pot bellies and thunder thighs. Just lie back, try to keep breathing, and Toxitrim will slim you into those jeans you wore back in high school. Guaranteed.

But Toxitrim doesn’t stop there. Maybe you’ve tried other diet pills. You already know the competition does nothing for those ‘problem areas’ around your hips, calves, and thighs. Toxitrim to the rescue! Simply break a pill in half, and apply our highly effective but only moderately radioactive weight-loss ooze directly onto your most troublesome jiggly rolls. Within seconds, Toxitrim goes to work as a topical weight-loss miracle cream — amazing! You’ll be free of those extra problem pounds in no time. The faint green glow — and the excruciating burning sensation — let you know that Toxitrim is working for you.

So if you want to look and feel better this Christmas season — or if you want a head start on fun in the sun next summer — pick up a reinforced lead-lined drum of Toxitrim today. We guarantee that you’ll lose weight using our product — and we’re not just talking about hair and teeth, either! We can take pounds off your tummy, thighs, abs, and rear. And just think — whatever’s left of you will look great in that bikini at the beach! So look for Toxitrim today at your local drug store, or anywhere dangerously unstable carcinogens are sold. Toxitrim — when we say you’ll ‘feel the burn’, we’re not kidding!