Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 FeedBurnerEmailTwitterFacebookAmazon
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

  |  

Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

The Kitchen Responds: The Tale of the Teapot

In my kitchen, there’s a teapot. I don’t use it much for making tea, but still every morning it sings the teapot song most of us learned as children:

I’m a little teapot, short and stout.

Here is my handle; here is my spout.

When I get steamed up, hear me shout:

“Tip me over, and pour me out!”

This is, of course, annoying as hell. It’s six am, and I’m trying to sleep. Meanwhile, there’s a piece of crockery crooning in the kitchen at the asscrack of dawn, keeping me from my beauty rest. Many mornings, I’ve had half a mind to run down there with a hammer and put an end to that teapot’s whistling, once and for all.

“I could sense the tide turning. The cabinets sealed themselves shut, the food processor growled menacingly, and the stove glared at me with burners aglow.”

But I haven’t. The teapot was passed down to my wife from a great-aunt or something. I’d be sleeping in the car for weeks if I damaged it. And while it might be quieter out there, the sleeping’s not much better. You ever tried to nap with a gearshift in your privates? It’s no freaking picnic.

So, I tolerated the teapot. And to be fair, the song only lasts a few seconds, so it’s not such a burden. Once it’s over, the kitchen goes back to the peace and quiet it usually enjoys.

At least, it used to.

It seems the pot’s predawn piping was just the tip of the harmonizing iceberg. Now the other kitchen appliances have gotten into the act, and feel the need to serenade me when I come calling. Used to be, I could grab a beer from the fridge in peace. Yesterday, when I got near the thing, it belted out:

I’m a refrigerator; plain and white —

Freezer on the left, and chiller on the right.

You’ll never see my insides without a light;

Drainin’ your electric bill day and night!

Great. All I wanted was to relax with a nice brewski, and now I’m tense and twitchy about the utility bills. Thanks a boatload, Amana.

I thought maybe I’d make some dinner, to take my mind off things. Since the fridge was already yapping away, I grabbed a TV dinner from the freezer. As I walked over to nuke it, I heard:

I’m a microwave oven, cool and fun!

Inside me is a magnetron gun.

You haven’t repaired me since two-thousand-and-one,

So I’m filling your air with radiation!

I backed slowly away from the microwave, leaving the frozen dinner to thaw on the counter. Maybe the oven was holding a grudge over that fork I accidentally heated in there, after all. Suddenly, a nice sandwich seemed far safer. I made my way to where we keep the loaves of whole wheat.

I’m a filthy breadbox, made of wood;

You never clean me as well as you should.

I don’t know what that gunk is under my hood,

But it’s on your Wonder bread, and I bet it ain’t good.

Great. I’m being taunted by a breadbox. If that’s not ‘rock bottom’, I don’t want to be conscious when I get there. The mold on the bread’s not so bad, though — a little heat should burn that right off. Uh-oh…

I’m a toaster oven; never in use;

Now you waltz over here with moldy abuse.

Why, I oughta wiggle my power cord loose.

An electrical fire would cook your damned goose!

I could sense the tide turning. The cabinets sealed themselves shut, the food processor growled menacingly, and the stove glared at me with burners aglow. There was no one to turn to in my own kitchen, no friend to offer sustenance in my time of need. Except… my old pal, teapot. I knew his song already, and it had nothing to do with costing me money or offing me in my sleep. I snatched a handful of teabags from the thankfully-silent pantry and stuffed them in. Just as I placed the pot on the crackling stovetop, it sang out in a loud, clear voice:

I’m a little teapot, short and stout.

Ah, the old standby. That song has never sounded so sweet.

And you’re a big fat insensitive lout.

Uh oh. I don’t think I like where this is going.

Unless you want a snootful of steam from my spout,

You’ll get out of this kitchen, and stay the hell out!

Eh, screw it. Those bastards can have the kitchen, and warble till they choke. From now on, I’m sleeping with a pillow over my ears, and I’m eating at McDonald’s. That McCrap might McKill me, but at least it won’t sing to me first.

Permalink  |  6 Comments



6 Responses to “The Kitchen Responds: The Tale of the Teapot”

  1. Michèle says:

    I’m so glad I found your blog! This is some funny stuff!

  2. kerry says:

    what were you smoking?

  3. Roofie Raccoon says:

    Kerry’s right. You must have been high. I approve.

  4. zoot says:

    Hillarious Charlie. You even managed to make up songs without swaying towards the dirty side like the male mind is so wonderful at doing.

    If I were you I’d stay away from the garbage disposal, the blender… um.. pretty much anything with blades. Yes.

  5. poet says:

    i’m glad i hopped here. you have a fantastic way with words. enjoy your sunday. poet

  6. #Debi says:

    Seriously, you might want to think about adjusting that medication you’re on. What? Well, maybe you should think about some… :^)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios


Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Favorites
Banterist
...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
DeJENNerate
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Mitchieville
PCPPP
Scaryduck
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
TGNP
Unlikely Explanations

Archives
Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
100Things
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Eek!Cards
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Googlicious!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Standup
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Uncategorized
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work
Zug

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine

Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

TopOfBlogs

HumorSource

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

bloglovin

Top Blogs

 

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved