Two Tricky Tickets

July 21, 2007

Braves talk up first, over at Bugs & Cranks:

The Newest Oldest Brave — Atlanta just re-signed Julio Franco. Wait. Atlanta re-signed Julio Franco?!? Uh-whaaa?

Now back to our regularly scheduled nonsense.

The missus and I have in our possession a pair of free movie tickets. We can use redeem them at one of a number of theaters around the Boston area, but we have to use them within the next three weeks.

Sounds simple, right?

Well hold your horses there, Hollywood. It’s not so easy, after all. For one thing, we’ll be out of the country for a week soon, which cuts heavily into two weekends. The rest of our schedule is pretty tight, so getting to the theater will take some creative planning. And then there’s my wife’s contention that I hate going to movies.

“I’m not sure I’m interested in a movie where the hero is able to both lick his own crotch and talk about it afterward.”

No, really. She actually believes that I don’t like going out to see a movie. But what’s not to like? The popcorn, the sticky floors, the previews, the FWOOOOO-SHOOOOSH of the THX blurb, shouting ‘Oh no he din’t!!‘ during the tense climactic scene — I love it all. If I enjoyed the movies any fricking more, the floor would be even stickier when I left.

Still, my lovely and talented has a point. Often when we venture to the cinema, we return home feeling somewhat… unsatisfied. Many of the movies we shell out our hard-earned scratch for turn out to be duds. And I don’t have enough thumbs — or other appendages, for that matter — to turn down in response to any activity that sucks three hours out of my life without delivering the goods.

And I watch baseball. So I’m not exactly ‘discerning’.

With that in mind, we put our heads together to find a movie that would be worth the zero dollars we’d have to spend for tickets. And twelve fifty for popcorn. Nine dollars for a small soda. And thirty-eight bucks for parking. My wife scoured the paper for current and upcoming flicks; below are my reactions:

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix?

“You want me to spend two hours watching a bunch of young boys waving their wands around? Why don’t you just strap me down and show me Brokeback Mountain?”

Hairspray?

“Oh, a remake of a play based on a movie. Peachy. Well, at least John Waters is still in– what? He’s not? Meh.”

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry?

“Adam Sandler pretending to be gay? This is different from The Wedding Singer and Little Nicky how?”

Transformers?

“I never had the toys, you weren’t even born yet, and we’re not in the market for a new car. Next.”

Ocean’s Thirteen?

“We saw that already. You slept through it. For the record, though, George Clooney dies at the end.”

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End?

“Sounds good — but I haven’t seen the first two. Give me a month or so on TBS to catch up, and I’ll get back to you.”

Evan Almighty?

“What would a 40-year-old virgin know about building an ark? I’m not buying it. Not even for the freaky animal sex scenes.”

I Know Who Killed Me?

“Somebody finally offs Lindsey Lohan and she comes back to life? Hell, no. I don’t sleep well enough as it is, without believing there’s a zombie Lohan out there somewhere.”

Who’s Your Caddy?

“Ooh, a movie featuring golf, rich assholes, and rap music stars? If only they’d included something about 18th century Flemish basketmaking, it’d have everything I don’t give a rocket-powered rat’s ass about.”

Underdog?

“I’m not sure I’m interested in a movie where the hero is able to both lick his own crotch and talk about it afterward. So really, anything with Jason Lee is out.”

Rush Hour 3?

“Oh, you mean the ‘Can you see the crap coming out of our studio?!?‘ movie? Um, no.”

Daddy Day Camp?

“Sorry, I saw Snow Dogs. I’m not legally allowed to watch Cuba Gooding, Jr. torture his own career without intervening somehow. And I don’t know where he lives.”

So basically what I’m saying is — anybody want a couple of free movie passes? Clearly, we’re never going to use the damned things.