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Jack Bauer Goes to the Grocery Store

Braves baseball fans will find the following tidbit over at Bugs & Cranks:

Smoltz-Glavine III: Sunday Showdown — a detailed in-game look at a battle between two probable Hall of Famers.

Fans of the show 24 may find the following piece entertaining.

And people who don’t like baseball or action T.V. shows are pretty much out of luck tonight. So sorry. I’ll try and do better next time.

The following takes place between 1:00 pm and 2:00 pm. Events occur in real time.

1:00:21 – Jack approaches the parking lot of a local supermarket. Sensing danger, he avoids the lot and double-parks across the street, leaving a handwritten sign reading ‘CTU: OFFICIAL BUSINESS’ on the windshield. He spots a man in an apron and khakis pushing shopping carts toward the store entrance — obviously a terrorist masquerading as an employee, planting a dirty bomb among the unsuspecting shoppers.

Jack zigzags between minivans, surprising the suspect from behind. With a well-placed blow from the butt of his pistol, Jack subdues the suspect and stashes him under a pickup for further questioning. The perimeter thus secured, Jack proceeds into the store.

1:08:05 – Inside, Jack takes stock of the situation. Seven cashiers. Sixteen people waiting in line. One very shifty character manning the Salvation Army basket near the door. All of them suspects. And a manager’s office near the express lane with the door closed — likely harboring more terrorists. Or hostages. Or a diabolically crafty double agent.

Jack pats down a shopping cart, checking for hidden explosives, contraband, or his habitually-kidnapped daughter. Finding none of these, he pulls the cart into the first aisle and begins to shop.

“Nearby, a scruffy young punk with thirteen items is trying to talk his way through the express lane. Probably a runner for a terrorist cell.”

1:11:53 – Jack warily enters the produce section. At the far end, a woman is holding an object to her ear and tapping it gently. Assuming her to be a rogue agent setting a bomb timer, Jack takes cover behind a Juicy Juice display and levels his pistol sights on her forehead.

“Ma’am, I’m with CTU. Put down the device.”

“What?”

“I’m a government agent. I will shoot you if I have to — now put down the device!”

“Oh god, don’t kill me! IT’S JUST A CANTELOUPE!!”

The melon falls to the floor, breaking into a squishy mess. Jack holsters his weapon and assures the woman that she’s performed a great service for national security. He tosses a head of iceberg lettuce into his cart and wheels away.

1:24:44 – Waiting in line at the meat counter, Jack notices a butcher with a large knife exchange words with a customer. He only catches the customer saying, “A half-pound of roast beef”. Clearly, it’s some sort of code; Jack needs answers from this ‘butcher’, and he needs them fast. Innocent lives are at stake.

Jack backs into the cereal aisle and guts several boxes of Mueslix to create a diversion. As the cleanup crew descends on the mess, he slips behind the meat counter and pushes the butcher into a back room.

“What does ‘a half-pound of roast beef’ mean? An airplane attack? A subway bomb? Thermonuclear devices in the freezer section? Talk!”

When the butcher claims innocence, Jack threatens to torture him. Nothing. Jack tortures him. Still nothing. Jack stops torturing him and delivers a long grim monologue about duty and sacrifice and the horrors of war. The butcher breaks immediately.

“I swear I don’t know anything — I’d tell you if I did — but please just stop talking! Have mercy!”

Satisfied, Jack leaves the butcher shackled to a ham slicer and reemerges into the store. The ‘customer’ is still at the counter, asking, “Hey, where the hell’s my roast beef?”

Jack considers more torture, possibly even a poignant soliloquy. He thinks better of it, picks up a lamb shank and two pounds of boiled shrimp, and stalks away.

1:46:30 – Shopping completed and the world saved several times over, Jack steps into a checkout line. Nearby, a scruffy young punk with thirteen items is trying to talk his way through the express lane. Probably a runner for a terrorist cell. Jack pays for his groceries and slips behind the troublemaker, holding a cocked pistol to the kid’s temple. The girl at the register shrieks in panic.

“Ma’am, I’m with CTU. Trust me. You have to trust me. Please, just trust me.”

With that, the punk faints and slides to the floor. The clerk stabs at an alarm, and sirens wail throughout the store. Seeing that the terrorists have gained the upper hand, Jack snags his cart of groceries and bolts for the car.

1:57:03 – As he clears the sliding doors, Jack dials CTU and requests an air strike on his current location. Putting his own life at risk is the only way to eliminate this terrorist threat — big surprise. Jack speeds across the parking lot, trailed by three security guards, the store manager, the checkout girl, the canteloupe lady, and the knife-wielding butcher.

When Jack reaches the curb, his cart’s electronic sensor activates, locking the wheels and sending Jack, his lettuce, a lamb shank, and several dozen boiled shrimp flying. Jack struggles to his knees as the mob from the store and three L.A.P.D. squad cars close in. Overhead, the whine of jet fighter engines grow louder.

1:59:58…

1:59:59…

2:00:00.