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Charlie Hatton
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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Four for the Fourth

I found four reasons to try writing a comedy sketch today. First, I didn’t write much of anything for four days over the weekend, so I’m due. Second and third, today is July 4th, which double-duties as a ‘holiday reason’ and ‘numerical reason’. And because of the holiday, we had no sketch class this week, so I missed out writing one for that venue.

“Because when I “get back on the horse”, that filthy nag needs a cigarette afterward.”

But this is me, here. Nothing ever happens quite so easily as that. So instead of writing a sketch with four reasons, I decided to write four sketches for four reasons, and post them all below. To decrease the degree of difficulty just a tad, I’m going to use the same premise for all four. But otherwise, four sketches coming right up. I’ve got some catching up to do.

Because when I “get back on the horse”, that filthy nag needs a cigarette afterward. You know what I’m sayin’.


THE INSURANCE SHOP QUARTET

INTRO (SHARED)

[A spotlight illuminates a lonely spot in an otherwise dark stage. Slow footsteps approach, and as a serious-looking man in a suit steps into the light, he speaks.]

SPOKESMAN: Can switching to Geico save you fifteen percent or more on your car insurance?

[The spokesman looks earnestly and confidently into the camera.]


TAKE ONE: GOLDBACH

SPOKESMAN: Is Goldbach’s Conjecture, which says that every even integer greater than two can be expressed by the sum of two prime numbers, provable?

[Cut to room with several mathematicians gathered around a chalkboard filled with equations. One is nodding vigorously and arguing ‘yes’, pointing at a spot near the end of the equations.

Several others are on the ‘no’ side, arguing against. At the height of the disagreement, another mathematician stands and points to the middle of the board, showing the face of his calculator to the ‘yes’ arguer, who immediately stops talking. The calculator-holder picks up a piece of chalk and writes a ‘minus’ sign behind a factor in one of the equations. Everyone stands or leans back, looking thoughtfully at the board in silence.

As the commercial ends, an overlay appears reading:

“Geico Insurance

The average user saves (in equation form) pi cubed times the square root of x minus one, over 2 factorial raised to theta power times y.”]


TAKE TWO: GECKO

SPOKESMAN: Is ‘gecko’ the ten thousandth word in the dictionary?

[Cut to a man hunched over a large dictionary on a table, counting silently on his fingers as he trails down the page with his other hand. He reaches the end of his count, looks carefully at the page, looks up and shakes his head ‘no’.

Cut back to spokesman, still looking and sounding confident.]

SPOKESMAN: Webster’s dictionary?

[Cut back to dictionary man, now with a second dictionary opened inside the first. He looks more haggard, and is now counting with a hand-held ‘clicker’. He reaches the end again, looks up and shakes ‘no’.

Cut back to spokesman, coolly confident but slightly impatient now.]

SPOKESMAN: The unabridged version?

[Cut back to man, with mussed hair and rumpled clothes, an enormous dictionary now splayed across the table and an abacus in hand. He checks the open page, slides a bead and wearily shakes his head ‘no’ and slumps in his chair.

Cut back to spokesman, who rolls his eyes and offers matter-of-factly:]

SPOKESMAN: The 2008 volume? North American version? The third edition?

[Cut to man, now completely ragged and with dictionaries strewn everywhere in sight. He’s counting by scratching tick marks into the wall nearby, like a prisoner. He makes a final slash by a large series of hash marks, checks the book, and with exhausted relief, nods ‘yes’. And then collapses face-first into the open book.

As the commercial ends, the overlay reads:

“Geico Insurance

We’re right. You should probably just trust us.”]


TAKE THREE: GAZONGAS

SPOKESMAN: Are porn star Wendy Whopper’s breasts too large?

[Cut to room with several men sitting on couches, gesturing as they debate. Most seem inclined to say ‘yes’, with a shrug, but one man in the middle vehemently shakes his head ‘no’, holding up his hands for the others to stop.

They eventually do, and the man produces a TV remote, points it at an unseen television offscreen, and presses a button. The men all look in that direction for a few seconds, then startle backward in their seats. The man with the remote, with arms folded and an ‘I told you so’ look, gestures toward the camera. With widened eyes and frightened expressions, the other men look into the camera and slowly and earnestly shake their heads ‘no’.

An overlay appears, reading:

“Geico Insurance

If we can’t save you money, we’ll still show you porn.”]


TAKE FOUR: GOLDSCHLAGER

SPOKESMAN: Is Goldschlager the nastiest liquor around?

[Cut to laboratory with several scientists in lab coats. Several are carrying notebooks, and beakers with liquid of various colors litter the lab benches. The scientists appear to be running through a series of tests in a well-ordered manner.

Cut back to spokesman, who looks at the camera with an expectant look for the answer.

Cut back to lab, where all scientists but one are huddled around a microscope. The lone remaining scientist is a few feet away, tentatively sniffing a beaker of blue liquid. He glances to make sure no one is watching, then furtively takes a sip — and does an immediate loud spit-take, attracting the shocked attention of the other scientists.

Cut to spokesman, now frowning at the camera disappointedly.

Cut back to lab, where all hell has broken loose. Most of the scientists have a beaker in hand, while a few are double-fisting. One giggles as he tries to use the microscope to look down the back of another’s pants. A third is passed out on the bench, spilled beakers all around him. Chaos is everywhere.

Some of the soberer scientists seem to realize that the camera is on. The head scientist shushes the others, tries to compose himself as he holds a clipboard upside-down, clears his throat and slurs:

“Wait… wha wazz the quesshen again?”

As they burst into giggles and drunken revelry, the overlay reads:

“Geico Insshuransh

Hey… we lovssssh you, man.”]

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