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Fame Doesn’t Come Easy, You Know

For the last — oh, I don’t know, four minutes or so — I’ve been pondering what this blog really needs to give it a little extra oomph. You know, that something special to set it apart, really send it out there on the cutting edge. And I think I have the answer: celebrity endorsement.

That’s right — if I’m not going to be a glowing, radiant recognizable celebrity like Wil Wheaton or Dave Barry or Ru Paul, then I can — wait a minute. Did I just say, ‘Ru Paul‘? Holy taquito-snorting jesus — he-she’s got a weblog? How long ago did that fifteen minutes of fame jump the shark? Who’s next, the ‘Where’s the Beef’ lady? Macauley Culkin? Blair from The Facts of Life?

(Wait… no shit. Really? Blair has a journal? And she’s into the Bible thumping, eh? And her site looks much better than mine? Well, I’ll be damned. And not a single lesbian-kiss-with-Tootie pic on the whole site. I looked.)

Anyway, most of that isn’t the point. The point is, if I’m not going to be a famous, beloved celebrity-who-blogs — and trust me, I don’t have the cheekbones for it — then the least I can do is hire one of them to do my dirty work. That’s what they’re there for, after all.

But the question is — which one? Which B- or C-list celebrity — or, given my budget, J-list, if such a thing exists — would best epitomize the squalid, deluded wonder you see before you? I asked myself the question, and mused the candidates:

 The ‘Got a Hemi?’ guy:

I’m not so sure. The dude gives off a bit more of a ‘NASCAR vibe’ than I think you get around here. Plus, the hairnet’s a bad look. Pass.

 Pauly Shore:

Interesting. Certainly, back in the day, I was a fan of ‘tha Weas’. Back before I knew better. And later — when I should have known better — I was a Pauly apologist. (‘No, no — you can’t watch BioDome, fer crissakes! But Encino Man was a classic! Come on, now!‘)

Anyway, with his new ‘Pauly Shore Is Dead’ campaign, he’s gonna be too pricey soon. And anyway, I finally — twenty years later — do know better. Pass.

 Louie Anderson:

Don’t make me come over there, smartass.

 Fozzy Bear:

Okay, you’re still a smartass, but I did get tagged with the nickname ‘Foz’ in high school and college, so I’ll respond. And maybe he’s not a bad fit, frankly — goofy, bouncy, unflappable.

Still, he’s just not damned snarky enough. Plus, let’s face it — Fozzy Bear’s not real. He’s just a hollow, empty shell with some guy’s hand up his ass. On the other hand, what celebrities aren’t, eh?

 Carrot Top:

Don’t make me fucking come over there. Asswipe. That ain’t cool.

 Jim Belushi:

Well, it’ll have to do, because I’m getting tired of this game already.

But it’s not such a bad choice. He’s an everyday guy, sort of edgy, prone to catching some shit from time to time… yeah. Not bad. Now that’s the sort of celeb I could use pimping my site. I’ll have my people talk to his people — we’ll do lunch. It’ll be good, really.

Eh, who am I kidding? No celebrity worth their shit is gonna shill for this place. If I want props, I’ll have to get them the old-fashioned way: pay people exorbitant amounts of money to say nice things about me.

So it looks like it’s really fundraising that I’m after. I’m off to break the old piggy bank, and see what I can scare up, then. I’ll let you know how that works out. You kids have a nice night.

(‘Hemi guy’ picture linked from the John Reep Photo Gallery

Fozzie Bear picture linked from ToonsToGo.com).