Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 FeedBurnerEmailTwitterFacebookAmazon
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

  |  

Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

A Little of This (Crap), a Little of That (Crap)

Well, I tried. I started three — count ’em, three — posts tonight, and none of ’em went anywhere. I guess I just ran out of gas. But, I’ll try flinging poo at the blackboard one more time, to see what sticks. Let’s try some ‘queek heeters‘; maybe a collection of teeny little tidbits will be easier to manage than one big, huge monster. It’s like lining up a dozen ordinary men, rather than wheeling out John Holmes. You know what I’m sayin’.

So, let’s see, then. I guess I can just say whatever the hell I want, and flit from topic to topic willy-nilly. If I’ve done my job correctly, then your expectations have been sufficiently lowered to the point where I really can’t screw this up. You can’t be unpleasantly surprised. So that only leaves the question: just what is on my mind, anyway?


Well, for one thing, I can see that I’m watching too much West Wing lately. I swear to god, this thing is the new Friends. I’m convinced that there is no time when the damned show is not on. It’s still on in prime time, and it’s syndicated on six or eight other channels. Every time I turn the damned TV on, there’s Martin Sheen and Rob Lowe and the gang, with their fancy suits and plastic smiles, staring back out at me. It’s creepy.

And now I know I’m watching too much — SportCenter is on, and I’m not even paying attention to the highlights. I’m just waiting for them to show the anchors, so I can continue to determine how much Linda Cohn looks like CJ from the show. Clearly, dementia is setting in.


There’s been an enormous, nasty, hairy-assed black fly flitting around the house for the past three days. I finally smacked it into the kitchen sink tonight, and washed it down the drain.

(But I didn’t turn on the garbage disposal. I believe in giving my prey a fighting chance.)

It’s nice to be rid of the thing, but I can’t help wondering whether the thing laid eggs in the potato chips or somewhere before I dispatched it. And if it did, how would my wife and I ever know?

Me: Honey? Do these chips you bought have mushrooms on them?

Her: Um… no. Why? Do they look funny?

Me: Yeah, a little. And they smell a little musky.

Her: Well, if they’re stale or something, just throw them away.

Me: But… there aren’t any more bags of chips.

Her: I guess you’ll just have to go without, then.

Me: But… but… hmmmm…

Her: What is it? Did you throw those chips away?

Me: Nope. I’m sure they’re *crunch* fine. I decided they didn’t smell so bad, after all. *munch munch*

See? Clearly, there’s no way we could tell. It’s impossible.

Eggs in the snacks would be doubly inconvenient, too, for the child flies would get their genes from the one I sink-flushed. And that was an annoying goddamned fly, let me tell you. It kept trying to get into the freezer, for reasons that still aren’t clear to me. Maybe it didn’t realize how cold it is in there, but I’m still not sure what the attraction would be for a small, pestery insect. Did it have a thing for ice cream? Maybe it smelled the beef-like substance in my frozen dinners? Or perhaps we’ve already accidentally trapped flies in there, and this guy was on some kind of search-and-rescue mission. I honestly don’t know. All I can say for sure is that he really wanted to check out our freezer — I had to shoo him out of there three or four times this week. And now, he’s swimming with the fishes. Maybe that’s cold enough for him, the little parasite bastard. Serves him right.


I got caught belting out tunes in the car again. You’d think I’d learn my humiliating lesson, but no. At least this time, it wasn’t Hole. I had the Foo Fighters‘ ‘Waxed Actors’ looping on the CD player in the car, singing along with it over and over… and over.

Actually, that’s not really unusual for me. I often get stuck on a song, and repeat it ad nauseum, ad infinitum, and ad coworker-pissum-offum, until I obsess over something different. For several months — yes, months! — it was ‘Spybreak’ by the Propellerheads. (That’s the music playing during the ‘lobby scene’ in the original Matrix.) It doesn’t actually have any words, but that never stopped me from making a boob out of myself by singing along in the car:

Doo doo doo de-doo-de-doo… Doo doo doo de-doo-de-doo… Do-de-diggy diggy doodle diggy diggy diggy…

(Yes, folks, I need help. Real, professional help. Plus a bottle of tequila, and maybe a cattle prod. Help me?)

Anyway, for a few days recently, it was the title track off of Hole’s Celebrity Skin, and now, I’ve moved on to the Foo Fighters. At least now I can embarrass myself by singing real words — in English — instead of making up ridiculous baby-talk noises to match the instrumental songs. That doesn’t make me feel much better, but a little. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.


Well, I think that’ll do it. Hopefully, this will tide you over until tomorrow. As usual, I’m up a couple of hours later than I really wanted to be (and later than I’m backdating this post to), and I can feel myself starting to nod off. Pretty soon, I’ll be sprawled out with one hand down my pants a la Al Bundy, drooling on the couch pillows while I pretend I’m just ‘resting my eyes’. And there’s gonna be plenty of time for sad shit like that once I’m grandpa-age.

(Hey, it comes with the territory. Who am I to buck tradition?)

So, I think it’s time for me to hit the hay. I’ll get a few hours’ worth of sleep, and be back tomorrow with fresh drivel. You should go get some rest, too. I don’t want to see you half-ass reading out there. Don’t just mail it in. We’ve all got our part to play, man — make sure you hold up your end, all right? I’ll see you tomorrow.

Permalink  |  5 Comments



5 Responses to “A Little of This (Crap), a Little of That (Crap)”

  1. The Hearn says:

    For about a month there, the new John Mayer CD was the only think I left in my truck’s stereo. After listening to it roughly 387 times, I got to the point where I would select a song, and listen to it four times on the way to work, belting out lyrics at the top of my lungs.

    In a related story, I’ve been kicked out of the employee carpool.

  2. amber says:

    hehehe I used to play “Jane Says” by Jane’s Addiction over and over again… it really pissed off my ex-husband, which was just an added bonus!

  3. GrumpyBunny says:

    I’m the same way. I’ve had Good Charlotte in the CD player for about 4-5 weeks now. Tried putting in something else just because I thought I should. One song – back to GS.

    I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t care who else is with me, I’ll belt ’em out just like they weren’t there. Walk you if don’t like it!

  4. Miss Lyndsay says:

    oooohh I love your site. I must link you. xoxoxo . Your writing is interesting even when talking about a fly!

    Hmmm…Evanescence has been in my cd player the last 2 months. Will someone please send me Amy Lee in a gift wrapped box?

    thanks

  5. TVZ says:

    Perhaps the fly knew it’s life was near to over and was attempting to cryogenically preserve his genes.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios


Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Favorites
Banterist
...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
DeJENNerate
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Mitchieville
PCPPP
Scaryduck
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
TGNP
Unlikely Explanations

Archives
Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
100Things
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Eek!Cards
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Googlicious!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Standup
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Uncategorized
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work
Zug

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine

Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

TopOfBlogs

HumorSource

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

bloglovin

Top Blogs

 

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved