Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Bookmark
 FeedBurnerEmailTwitterFacebookAmazon
Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA



All Quotes
HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail

  |  

Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Sure, the Place Is Clean… But Where the Hell Is Everything?!

Man, did I ever not want to be at work this morning. Or even in public. Or for that matter, vertical. A show last night, a few beers, too little sleep, and a mid-morning meeting do not a happy Charlie make. Not even remotely.

For those first few bleary-eyed, poundy-headed waking moments, I considered calling in sick, and crawling back under the covers. But no. Even if I’d wanted to — and you can bet your perky little ass I did — I couldn’t have. Staying home on Fridays is just not an option.

You see, folks, we have a dog walker. She comes on Wednesday and Friday afternoons, to take the pooch out for a little prance ‘n’ poop. And just about the last thing I need is for her to come in to find me, in full undies regalia at two in the afternoon, groaning and drooling on the living room couch. Not a pretty sight. That’s what my wife tells me, anyway, and I’m inclined to take her word on this one.

Actually, it’s not just the mutt-moseyer I’ve got to worry about. Recently, we’ve been having a cleaning service come by every other Friday to tidy up the place, and this was one of her weeks, too. She comes in at… well, actually, I don’t know when the hell she comes in.

(Seriously, she’s like ‘stealth maid’ or something. I leave the house on days when she cleans, and then magically, by the time I get back, all of our shit is spiffied up and rearranged into different bewildering piles. I’m not sure it’s worth it, frankly. Sure, everything smells a little better, but for a week, I can’t fucking find anything. And just about the time I’ve got my little piles of junk mail and laundry and beer bottles and porn set up exactly the way I like them, in she comes and jumbles them up again. Damned annoying.)

And you know, I used to think that cleaning services were just for rich people, a luxury that I’d never need to — or, more to the point, be able to — afford. And probably, the good services are like that. You want someone to come in and clean all your shit and then put it back where you fricking left it — well, you probably have to pay extra for that. And getting them to put on the little French maid’s outfit while they’re there… yeah, that’ll cost you, too. We don’t have the sort of cleaning lady that does that kind of thing.

(Or frankly, the kind that you would want to do that last kind of thing. Not unless you were really, really drunk. Or blind. And preferably both.)

Anyway, the point is that Fridays are generally pretty busy around the house, and no place for a guy slacking off of work to sit peacefully on his couch eating Cheetos and watching Judge Judy. Not that I would do such a thing — that’s just an example, of course.

(I’m really more of a Funyuns guy. And Montel kicks that bitch Judy’s ass. From, um, what I hear. I’m just sayin’. Ahem.)

All that traffic and hubbub takes the fun out of playing hooky at home, though. It’s like seeing a movie all chopped up with commercial breaks on network TV, or watching porn with those little black bars over the interesting bits — it’s still entertaining, I guess, but you lose the thrill of the whole thing. It’s nothing to get all lubed up and frothy over any more.

So, I went to work today. I made it through my meeting, and — after a greasy burger and two jolts of caffeine — eventually felt almost human again. And now it’s time to go home and see whether that woman moved our TV into the bathroom, or alphabetized all the crap in the fridge. Honestly, it’s like having Rain Woman come into our house twice a month, and wiggling shit around into some crazy order that only makes sense to her. And then spraying it with Pine-Sol, so it smells nice and lemony clean.

(Okay, so that last part’s not really a Rain Man thing. It’s not a perfect analogy, dammit. Cut me some frigging slack, would you?)

Anyway, I’ll try to get the clips from this week’s shows up soon. Assuming I can still find the videocam when I get home, of course; lord knows where she’ll end up sticking that thing. I may be AWOL again tomorrow — I know, I know; ‘Bad Charlie! Naughty little bastard! Bad! Bad!’ — because I’ve got a wedding to scurry off to. So if I don’t see you kids for a day or two, you have yourselves a peachy little weekend, won’t you? I’m out.

Permalink  |  1 Comment



One Response to “Sure, the Place Is Clean… But Where the Hell Is Everything?!”

  1. wlfldy says:

    A few things come to mind here. First, just what order do you like to have your beer bottles and porn placed into? I mean do you keep the beer based on the amount of slobber left? The one with the most slobber first (you get my meaning) and the porn? Um, cup size order or shown skin amount?

    And second, come on. Montel over Judy? No way. Judy is SO mean, Montel’s like a moma in drag.

    And third, I would be changing walk the dog day and Trudy the maid day cause there is nothing so pleasing as taking off on a friday. (The little black bars on the interesting bits is just a little bit thinner.) Um, that’s what I hear anyway…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Highlights
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios


Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE


Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News


Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon


Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Features
Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Cliche-O-Matic
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

Favorites
Banterist
...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
DeJENNerate
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Mitchieville
PCPPP
Scaryduck
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
TGNP
Unlikely Explanations

Archives
Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
100Things
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Eek!Cards
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Googlicious!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Standup
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Uncategorized
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work
Zug

Heroes
Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Grover
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine

Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

TopOfBlogs

HumorSource

Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

bloglovin

Top Blogs

 

Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner

[Subscribe]

RDF
RSS 2.0
Atom
Credits
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:
MovableType

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved