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Charlie Hatton
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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Early to Rise, My Ass… Or Rather, Their Asses

Man, I am wiped.

As many of you already know, I’m not exactly what you’d call a ‘morning person’. Or an ‘afternoon person’, really. I’m more of an ‘after-dinner person’. Or perhaps a ‘quarter after ten at night person’. Sometimes even an ‘up till three in the morning for no damned good reason person’.

But ‘morning person’? Decidedly not.

And that’s why I’m so poopered right now. You see, the wifely one and I are having some work done on the house. It seems to involve a troupe of large, burly men hanging around our living room comparing ass-crack plumage. I think it may have something to do with pliers, too, and possibly caulk. It’s all over my head, frankly.

(Except for the ass-cracks, unfortunately. At least if those were over my head, I wouldn’t have to stare at the damned things. Man, I could have gone my whole life without seeing that.)

Anyway, the pomp and pageantry of the plumbers cracks is not, sadly, the main issue I have with our current situation. Rather, the problem is that these cracks, and the cranky asses they’re attached to, show up on our porch at the very ass-crack of dawn. Or thereabouts. Before eight am, anyway, and that’s damned early enough.

Now, I can handle this sort of early morning chicanery once in a while. I have nine am meetings twice a week, and — as much as I hate them, and anything that’s said in them, and anyone who speaks during them, and the very fact that I’m awake to witness them — I am able to cope with them. Twice a week. But that’s my limit.

So, now that I have to not only be awake, but showered, dressed, and marginally functional while herds of carpenters and plumbers roam the sweeping hallways of my house like so many flannel-clad wildebeest, I’m struggling a bit. This is the second full week of this nonsense, and I’m not sure how much more I can take. I finally let go this afternoon, and took an impromptu and unplanned nap on my keyboard at work. Lemme tell you, folks, you simply don’t know ‘tired’ until you’ve woken up at your desk, with drool on your space bar and an ‘Escape’ key up your nose. Yeeks.

Anyway, those guys oughta be done pretty soon. I’m hoping to actually get some rest this weekend, assuming I make it that far. On the other hand, my mother-in-law is coming into town on Friday, so there’s just one more reason to get all sleepless and agitated. At least she’s not likely to hang around the living room with her ass creeping out of her pants. Not before her second glass of wine after dinner, anyway. Double yeeks. Double yeeks, indeed.

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8 Responses to “Early to Rise, My Ass… Or Rather, Their Asses”

  1. nefarious says:

    Some townships / homeowners’ associations have laws/ rules against any work starting before 8:00am. Just have one of your neighbors complain about noise, or some crap like that.. just don’t tell the wife ;-)

  2. tj says:

    *stares at your ass crack*

  3. steph says:

    you are ‘crackin my ass’ up!

  4. tori says:

    i’m not sure ..but i think there’s a stipulation in the carpenter’s union that states each member is to show at least 1 3/8 inch of ass crack at all times..also…if you were an early riser…they would be late and stay late every day..remodeling seems to work that way..hope you’re having a great day…

  5. Dawn says:

    I can’t tell you how funny it is, still, to hear the phrase, “ass crack of dawn” used.

    When I’m tired, I just pretend to be reading something, and close my eyes for a few minutes. Usually works. Though, my summer student tried that earlier this week; and just a hint – it’s good not to snore! Haha.

  6. Flip says:

    Sounds like an Extreme House Make-over, in a way… :D

  7. Monkey says:

    I’m gonna go ahead and assume that the ‘wiped’ crack in the first sentence was purely without pun.

  8. Lizz says:

    (Referring to the “not a morning person” section of this brilliant post.) Here here! Well said. I agree. 100% We should start a club.

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